One More Monkey

ashley announcement low resThere were four in the bed and Eli said, “Roll over! Make room for one more!”
Baby Newman #3 is due April 2014!

So you know how I said the fun never ends over here?? Well surprise!!! After such a struggle to get pregnant in 2010, we never thought in a million years we would ever get pregnant on our own. Especially with everything else we have going on…job hunt, new baby…this was the last thing on our minds. And we know, “they” say it always happens when you stop thinking about it…but we never thought we would be blessed that way again. And we were ok with that.
In my heart, I knew we weren’t done and that I wanted more children, but we were also very ok with our current situation. Afterall, we have a 16 month old miracle and a newborn blessing from heaven! We have our hands quite full! I knew when the kids were older, I would want to try IVF or even adoption again. But it’s just not about our timing, it’s God’s timing. And it’s perfect.

Man, we thought Eli was the game changer!

So here are my secret diaries. We had actually begun TTC again at the first of the year, so I kept notes on that and on Baby Newman #3 here:
photo 1photo 22/6/13- Well, here we are again. I recently stopped breastfeeding and waited for my cycle to return. I didn’t want to stop, but when Eli was 8 months I got a a horrible sinus infection that wiped out my supply. I dried up. Which was nice in a way, because I didn’t have to experience the painful weening process. But I am sad that those days are over and super grateful for the experience. 🙂
—-Clomid rx and happy follicle on u/s.
So AF returned and as a family, Barry and I decided we were ready to start trying for baby number 2. I know that sounds so soon. Eli is only 9 months old. But our way isn’t the same as everyone else. We can’t afford IVF right now, and we are really enjoying our time with Eli.
We are starting slow. My OB wants us to try Clomid for the next 6 months and see what happens. In our case, it would be like us saying, "We aren’t trying but we aren't preventing it either". We just need the "leg up" so to speak.
I'm on 150mg of Clomid for 5 cycle days. It makes me crazy. I'm emotional, sick to my stomach, restless, unable to sleep, hot flashes, dizzy…and it's so hard to keep taking the meds when I know they make me feel so bad. I keep saying, "3 more days…2 more days…" just to get through. On the other side of the meds I feel better 🙂 So that's a plus.
My follies have had a slow start this cycle. Not sure how my cycles will look coming out of breastfeeding, so we will just have to play it by ear. I believe I will be triggering the week of the 11th…I find out on Friday.
Trying to sort through my emotions on all of this. It's hard not to be "that girl" again..the infertile one who obsesses about her cycle and possible pregnancy symptoms. But my heart immediately skips a beat at the thought of another baby. I'm just so hopeful and excited.
I'm just praying I don't let getting pregnant take over my life and that God will make it clear which direction we should proceed.
Opening the door and stepping through. 🙂

2/13/13- Half way through our first TTC cycle. It’s surreal. We ran into some issues after triggering, which was on Friday. Emotions were high and our hearts were playing with our heads.
How do you not go back to that place where you struggled to get pg? Prior to our miscarriage we were cool, calm and relaxed about the whole thing. As our TTC journey continued, we became more emotional…more was at stake. Both of us felt responsible for our inability to create a baby. We both felt like we were letting the other one down. BDing became a chore. It was horrible. I think we lost a part of ourselves and our relationship during that tough time. I’m so glad we aren’t there right now.
BUT…it all came flooding back really fast this past weekend. The fear, the guilt…it was difficult to remember why we would be feeling that way.
Barry and I had to sit down and talk it all out- sort through our emotions and remind ourselves that it’s not a race, this is supposed to be fun and let the rest of this go. No stress, no guilt…just us. If we have to revisit the world of IF then so be it, but right now we just want to try on our own.
My cycles probably won’t be normal for a while, so while I am technically in my 2WW, I don’t feel pressure to test or know.
Interesting journey already.

2/18/13- I’m on CD27 and I’ve been feeling weird. But I’m very good at being fake pregnant so I’m not holding my breath.

3/25/13- Today has been weird. I’m on CD31 so I POAS but it was negative. I normally do that just to give myself peace of mind- “ok, I’m not pregnant so I can have a glass of wine and lay off the aresnal of vitamins I am on right now”…that kind of thing. But yesterday AF was due and nothing. I don’t really even feel anything- normally I can tell AF is about to start or coming on. Nothing.
So I waited all day, still no Af and I tested again this morning.
The test was invalid. A very very faint line showed up in the results window but it was facing the wrong direction. It’s a cheapie store brand test with blue dye. Blue dye has been unlucky in my experiences, lots of invaild results. Today was no different.
I go for my bloods this afternoon so we will know something by Wednesday. Of course because I am going for a blood draw, AF will start.
Just makes it hard when your cycles aren’t regular after having a baby and breastfeeding for 8 months.
EDIT: Bloods negative, hello AF and vino!

3/31/13- AF is here, and we are celebrating Easter with family. Some crazy stuff happened in regards to the adoption post. More on that later…

7/26/13- AF was due the day before but a no show. I’ve been texting my BFF about wanting to POAS just in case, but we both decide I should wait until the morning and if nothing, then I would go pick one up. I don’t feel anxious and I’ve decided not to tell Barry of my suspicions. No reason to worry him over being one day late. Meanwhile, I have been busy preparing for Ruby. I have my Lact-Aid and Domperidone ready to go, but I haven’t begun my AB protocol. I don’t know why I don’t just dive in, but something is holding me back.
I’ve been unable to sleep- likely stress. Bloated and tired. I don’t know…

Later…
This afternoon I am having a friend over. I joked that she should pick a test up for me on her way…she did. It’s just a Dollar Store cheapie and in all my POAS experience I’ve never actually used one of these.
It needs a cup and uses a dropper. Just 3 little drops of my sample and I stare at the test. Maybe I see a line, but I think I’m just really wanting to see something because it’s in my infertile nature. I clean up in the bathroom and go put it on the counter and pretend I’m going to wait for two minutes. But of course I only wait 30 seconds before checking again. It’s positive. BFP.
No freaking way…
I said a lot of bad words and my hands are instantly shaking…
And then I yelled for Barry, who had vanished during all of this.
I find him in our bathroom…and I yell through the door that I think I am pregnant. LOL It was a special moment, for sure.
All the while my friend is just laughing and smiling so huge.
When Barry rejoins us in the den, we hug and laugh and cuss together. It’s unreal honestly and I immediately want an HcG test to confirm what I think must be a false positive. Because stuff like this just doesn’t happen.
MJ and Kelli are amazing and I have my results by 8:00pm. HcG number 400, Progesterone 19. Definitely pregnant! Can’t believe this is happening!

7/30/13- Been feeling crampy since we found out. Pretty normal. Had an u/s today and everything looks typical. Which felt weird and amazing to be told, but it’s still so early. Could only see one little dot in there.
Came home and started progesterone and shortly after had a bit of spotting. Made me feel a but deflated because of what we have already been through-
But it could just be from the ultrasound itself. Being pregnant is so stressful! Lol

7/31/13– HcG 2364 Progesterone 20.2 no other abnormalities. Going to avoid stressing and focus on the positives. 🙂

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8/18/13- Wound up in the ER today for bleeding. Baby is measuring perfectly. They have no idea why I’m bleeding. The doctor said I was a puzzle and to be on pelvic and bed rest until bleeding is resolved. That’s going to work while I have two little nuggets who need me. Lol
Glad the baby is ok. I’m giving this one to God- this is His baby and His plan. Help me through it no matter the outcome!

8/29/13- I haven’t updated in a while. We found out on Monday at my follow up from the ER that I actually have a
SCH (subchorionic hematoma)
. I had one when I was pregnant with Eli too.
Everything else is as normal as could possibly be. I’m on light duty, so I can’t lift Eli. 😦 and the bleeding is alarming for sure. But every time I go in for an ultrasound we are assured that baby Newman is perfectly fine.
Despite the fact that I’m nervous as all get out, we are at the end of our 9th week and I’m having an amazing photog friend come to take our pregnancy announcement pictures. Definitely feels good to be planning that. Starting to allow myself to day dream about this baby, shared rooms and more sweet baby snuggles.

8/9/13- I had the materniT 21 test today. The jury is out for a lot of parents who have already had children with DS and plan to have more children: to do the test or not do the test.
Personally the results of the test change nothing. If this baby has a chromosomal abnormality then it does. We plan and partner with our doctors and the hospital to be as best prepared as possible. This baby has always been Gods and that doesn’t change just because of a diagnosis. This was His design and this is supposed to be happening. I feel stronger and ready to face any thing that’s in store for our family- however ungracefully.
Chances are slim that this baby is anything but typical.
The spotting has gone and I am off light duty. Everything is progressing normally…which is music to our ears. I go back to work in just two weeks! I have mixed emotions about this return, but we are ready for the big things God has in store for our family! 🙂 I will make sure to update more on the pregnancy as it progresses 🙂 Thank you everyone for your love, support and prayer! God is simply amazing- to think only three years ago we thought we would never have children and now we will have 3! 🙂 Blessed!

Milk Allergy? Plus PP Update

20120514-210931.jpgFirst of all I need to preface this entry by saying how much I hating pumping. Like hate. I’m dealing…
I know it’s best for Eli but its getting harder as I go on. Mainly because I’m still so tired and never seem to be able to catch up on my sleep. Duh- I have a newborn. I know. But still!! If he were breast feeding I could feed him and go back to sleep. But I’m pumping so I get up double the amount of times in the middle of the night. Pump, nap, feed, nap, pump…

My sweet husband does his best to help me and he’s amazing. I feel bad because he is working so hard to help and going to work. What will I do without him?! He’s just as tired as I am.

The worst is the night time pumpings. And if Eli has caught up to me it’s difficult too- he wakes up at the same time I need to pump. I can’t feed him and pump at the same time (one day this week I had him in my arms, my pump going, a bottle in his mouth and my cold lunch in my lap. Lol).

Anyway, all of this is to say I hate it but I can do it so I will continue. Seriously, though, when does it get easier? I make about 5oz less than what he needs everyday. We are close but just not there yet. ~deep breath~

Also, I got to thinking- how does my body know to increase my supply once Eli requires more than what I’m making (still not making quite enough) and the answer was: pump more often! UGH of course it is, why did I think there was some magical other way? My lactation consultant friend said to pump for 10min every hour to increase my supply.
*pout* so now I’m pumping in between my pumpings. Except at night cause that’s just crazy. Lol

/rant

Moving on…he still has a diaper rash. I switched to desitin and we wash his booty and let it air dry. I will see how it looks at the next diaper change.
It worries me because it may point to a milk allergy. Except that milk allergy symptoms are vague.

Here are eight signs, provided by Dr. Moissidis, to help parents of infants identify a potential milk allergy.

1. Diarrhea
Diarrhea is common in babies, but if it is persistent (an average of two to four times a day for more than five to seven days) and/or if there is blood in the stool, it could signal a more serious milk allergy.

2. Vomiting
Babies often spit up bits of food, but vomiting beyond the typical mealtime regurgitation should be examined by a doctor. Reflux symptoms, such as spit-up and difficulty swallowing, can also be milk allergy symptoms.

3. Skin Rash
There are many causes for infant skin rashes like eczema. Milk allergy is one possible cause, especially if the rash occurs along with some of these other symptoms.

4. Extreme Fussiness
Every baby cries, but crying continuously and inconsolably for long periods of time is abnormal. When there is no apparent reason, this is usually called colic. Sometimes this extreme fussiness is actually caused by the gastrointestinal pain resulting from an allergy to the proteins found in milk.

5. Low or No Weight Gain
Most infants double their weight by six months and triple it by 12 months. But when babies are not getting the nutrition they need because of excessive diarrhea and vomiting, they are unable to grow like they should.

6. Gassiness
All babies have gas, but when it occurs along with several of these other symptoms, it can also signal an allergy to milk proteins.

7. Respiratory Problems
Colds are common for infants, but wheezing, struggling to breathe and developing excess mucus in the nose and throat is not. For some kids, these respiratory problems can be the baby’s reaction to the protein found in milk.

8. Failure to Thrive
Babies with milk allergy often suffer from a lack of proper nutrition characterized by dehydration, loss of appetite and lack of energy. This overall failure to thrive is often the result of the effect of the other symptoms effect on the infant’s body.

See what I mean? Eli had a change in his stools, which made me think there was something wrong but apparently that’s normal too. He does get gassy but not all the time. He spits up occasionally but I think that’s more reflux than anything else and it doesn’t happen at every feeding. His nose is sniffy but the humidifier clears it right up. He’s gaining weight. Just has a persistent diaper rash. :/

Could it be the formula? Could it be something I ate? Who knows!? Lol what I do know is there is cheese and milk in everything!!

These are the things I think about at 2am while pumping.
So again, I know it’s what’s best and I am not stopping. But dangit! I’m tired and I don’t want my son’s hiney to hurt anymore.

{I just finished my first in between pumping and made more than I thought! That’s encouraging! I can do this!!! That’s what this summer is all about!} just keep pumping…just keep pumping…

In other news:
I had my pp check up today. I’m now allowed to drive just no heavy lifting or working out until 6-8weeks.
He peeled the dermabond off my incision (not the most pleasant experience) but it looks so good! Very thin and barely there. I’m impressed. 🙂

He also checked my thyroid and recommended continuing all my vitamins. My carpel tunnel should clear up at 6-8 weeks.

Then he brought up my placenta and uterus. Awesome conversation.
Placenta came back normal. Uterus had a lot of endometriosis. Add that to the list…
I had to google it to find out what the heck it is!
He thinks it played a part in our fertility issues. It was missed because HSG doesn’t pick it up (just shows the clear pathway through the lady parts), and my surgery to remove polyps back in June 2011 was not evasive enough to discover the endometriosis because it only looked on the inside.

All that to say, we have one more obstacle to overcome the next time we want to consider another baby. Dr. C felt it important to let me know that these next few months are the most critical if we would like to consider getting pregnant on our own.
What!? I know…
Basically since he cleaned everything out, my chances are higher that we will be successful on our own. Never thought I would hear those words. If we decide to wait, I will likely require laparoscopic surgery to remove the endo before trying again.

Huge. Like huge huge. So Barry and I have a lot to consider right now.
In the meantime, I have driving freedom between 1-2 hour pumping windows. Lol

We are crazy, right?

Anyway, I guess the c-section was good on multiple levels- got to experience some labor, kept Eli from getting tangled on the cord more, discovered endometriosis. Fun stuff.

So that’s my long update. I’m still hermitting for obvious reasons- need sleep, need to pump. But I’m feeling more confident, I’m still pumping and I’m loving my time with my sweet son. We took a walk yesterday, yay sunlight! He is precious and absolutely a blast!

Is this for real?

hCG levels
Found this today. Thought it was interesting. My level is much higher than the average at this point in a pregnancy.
Also found this: Embryo Glue You think you know it all about IVF and ART and then suddenly you hear of something new. Wow!

Still doesn’t feel real. My symptoms can be chalked up to medicine s/e, AF symptoms, nerves or allergies.

Symptoms so far:
-still bloated
-(.)(.) a bit sore but not unlike AF
-feel full but hungry at the same time
-dull uterine cramps occasionally
-twinges in my left ovary occasionally
-minor constipation
-tired during the day yet cannot sleep at night
-more frequent urination but I am drinking more water
-dry dry dry nose and dry dry cm
-I officially weigh more than I ever have in my entire life…already
-soreness from the progesterone injections but less bruises!

Still don’t feel pregnant. It’s weird.
Something that did make me feel pg…yesterday I had eaten my lunch at a normal time, school had let out and I was on my way to a continuing ed class. I was so hungry at 4 in the afternoon, that I stopped by McDonalds, ate an entire hamburger, hid the evidence, then went home and eat dinner as well.
Yeah.
Other times, I feel as if I ate way too much food, when I haven’t eaten at all and I am about to barf.
And now I’m sitting here with my old pregnancy books from last year. Maybe reading these will make it feel more real?

I just need to stop focusing on all the things that could go wrong. That’s pretty selfish, huh? I should be excited and planning and “glowing” with happiness. But none of it seems real and I am so worried about all the obstacles that stand in our way…like, what if it is an ectopic? We won’t know that until between 5-8 weeks. What if the hCG numbers don’t rise? What if our baby is chromosomally abnormal and we have a miscarriage?
Barry is so amazing. He feels like God opened the door for all of this to happen perfectly. This was just our way of becoming parents. He feels like we have no more embryos left because we couldn’t agree on what to do with them if we had any left…so God took care of it. He feels like we had every door shut for financing our IVF except the one way we picked, which financed it perfectly. In his opinion, it all worked out exactly as it should.
And while, looking back, I can see all of those things, it is still difficult to wrap my mind around this BFP.
My second beta is tomorrow. Maybe after seeing some higher numbers, I will feel better.