Loved You For a Thousand Years

I’ve been reading a lot lately and soaking in the tub. Wish I had been doing both of these relaxing activities prior to becoming pregnant. 🙂
Anyway, I just finished Heaven is For Real and loved it. Very simple- took me one evening to read. And a simple message as well: Heaven is real! What an awesome concept…but what does that mean? It was stated so simply by a 3 year-old…and doesn’t God call us to have that kind of child-like faith?
The depictions of heaven and the testimony of this child were amazing, but the thing that resonated with me the most was that he got to meet his unborn sister.
You see, his parents had a miscarriage between his sister and him. Since he was so young they never said anything to him about it, not to mention that the pregnancy ended before they even knew the gender or much about the pregnancy.
In heaven, he met his sister…a girl. They were pregnant with a baby girl. And in heaven she didn’t have a name because her parents had not named her yet.

When I think about heaven it seems like such an abstract concept. I can only wrap my mind around it for a while before I just push it away and continue to live in the world that I know.
But this stuck with me.

My husband and I used to consider our miscarriage in 2010 our only loss, but this book really got me thinking. What about our embryos? All of those conceptions happened, even if outside my body. How ironic would that be? To have so many struggles and difficulties with having a family only to get to heaven and have our own Duggar ranch! I’m not sure how I feel about it all yet, but one thing I will say is this: We have precious little ones waiting for us that I cannot wait to meet.

Ok, I’m done with my deep thoughts for now. That’s a lot to process before 8am!

Last night was our second Lamaze class. We are half-way through! It went pretty well. We tried a bunch of labor positions and she gave us tips on how tro encourage one another. The class seems to be opening up a bit but still reserved. We watched another brith, which was anxiety inducing…again…and then Barry and I went home and crashed.
Today is my acupuncture appointment and I’m hoping for some relief for my hand. It takes me forever to type anything because I can’t feel my fingers.

In other less deep thoughts, yet equally moving, I’ve had a lot of encounters with songs that bring me to tears. Two specifically:

They both describe how I feel about my little Eli, just growing and kicking away. My precious son, our gift and joy. 🙂

“No, this child will be able…this child will be gifted”. I believe. 🙂

I will leave you with that. Hope it makes you smile. 🙂

No Embies Left

Finally got a call from my doctor. No embryos made it. A bit discouraging but it doesn’t mean anything at this point.
Just a good wake up call. Can’t put all my hopes in this.
Dr. H said the sperm quality was just that bad, whatever that means. He said it was still possible to get pg with what we have now, so to keep taking my meds and go from there.
It’s kind of hard to think about continuing my meds when I know that this probably didn’t work. We have worked hard, sacrificed so much and come so far. Stopping my meds would be easier…but if one of these embies actually made it…well…I dunno. I can’t help but feel sad. This whole time it hasn’t really bothered me that we had embryos in a lab somewhere…it feels like such an abstract concept. But now that I know they didn’t make it, well, that hurts.

So I guess its back to positive affirmations and fertile thoughts.
I’m not going to allow myself to be upset over this. On the plus side, I seriously have THE best support group, family and friends.
A very dear friend of mine called today to see how we were doing through this whole process. It was so nice to finally visit with her. 🙂 Anyway, as I caught her up on everything she just lifted me up! Told me how much she loved Barry and I, what a great couple we were, how we deserved this, how impressed she was with my outlook…just blew me away. But then…she put something on the table that just nearly brought me to tears.
She offered to be a surrogate. Wow.
I mean, you hear of people doing that…but wow. What an amazing sacrifice to make for someone. I really am blessed.
I hope it never comes to that, and I know we still have options, but I am in shock and this complete and full love I have been shown. God, you just love me more and more every day and I am so unworthy! Thank you!

Barry and I know that if this doesn’t work, we have other options. There is the possibility of another fresh cycle, finances willing, or donor sperm (just introduced this idea, which I know he wasn’t fond of, but I needed to plant the seed of preparation). So hopefully it never comes to surrocacy, or my friend my be re-thinking her offer! 😉
She is 100% convinced that I am indeed pg. I’m not willing to bet anything on it right now.

Popsicle Babies??

Just got this email from Dr. H:

Ashley,

Got update from IVF lab today. Embryos are now at Day 6 and will be checked prior to freezing. Will let you know which of the embryos will be frozen and quality today.

Thanks,

Dr. H

So I guess more waiting. Didn’t know they would let them go all the way to day 6…but it does kinda sound like some made it, so Huzzah!! 🙂

In other news, my progesterone shot from yesterday gave me my first lump and bruise. Joy. We moved to a…ahem…”meatier” spot, and that is sore now too. AND the constipation is unreal! So much for no s/e!

Ok, off to work again. Hoping for good news soon.