“Little Victories” Isn’t Working!!

I’m worried about my next beta and I just realized our first scan is an estimated 9 days away (hCG has to get above 4000 for the first scan). So far away!!

Yesterday I had a student go off in my room (Mom is convinced my job is too dangerous). I instinctively grabbed him to restrain, since I am still CPI certified. He, of course, resisted and that was when I realized grabbing him was a terrible idea for a pregnant lady.
I guess I still need to get used to that idea. Pregnant.
I had some cramps afterwards, which of course panicked me. I spoke to my nurse and doctor who both said, “Nothing to worry about”. Go home, rest, feet up, lots of fluids.
I keep looking up other womens’ stories to find some comfort.
Lifting their toddlers, having jobs that require them to lift heavy objects, working out throughout the pregnancy…but it doesn’t make me feel better.

I just don’t want to have messed this up after all this hard work. Google has assured me that chromosomal abnormailities cause miscarriage, not lifting a massive 5 year old in a restraint position.

I had an acupuncture appointment right after work yesterday, so that did help me feel a bit more relaxed. And Barry was amazingly helpful/sweet. When I got home, he had a little place set up for me to have my legs propped up, lots of water and a book. He made dinner and we watched a movie.
I feel better today. I don’t want to spend this entire pregnancy worrying. But we don’t have a normal pregnancy.
😦 I hate all this worrying!

Little Victories

That is how I am going to look at this now. A day at a time, a little victory at a time. Maybe it will help me to enjoy this more and relax a bit.
After a long day of waiting, begging my wonderful nurse (and her having to pull some strings to get my bloodwork moved along sooner), we finally found out that we are indeed still pg. Second beta is 544. Music to our ears. 🙂
It’s still weird…and I still feel like it should be higher (that’s weird to think, right?) but it’s more than triple our first beta, and higher than the average numbers for a pregnancy at this stage. So it’s a wonderful number. Hoping this is a good, strong little embryo that wants to stick around.

Still no change as far as symptoms go.
I need to order more meds and we just got a benefits claims form in the mail (you know the kind that says, “You may owe _____”). *sigh* Bills make me nervous/anxious but it is all worth it right now!

Off to finish cooking our dinner and relish in this little victory.

Is this for real?

hCG levels
Found this today. Thought it was interesting. My level is much higher than the average at this point in a pregnancy.
Also found this: Embryo Glue You think you know it all about IVF and ART and then suddenly you hear of something new. Wow!

Still doesn’t feel real. My symptoms can be chalked up to medicine s/e, AF symptoms, nerves or allergies.

Symptoms so far:
-still bloated
-(.)(.) a bit sore but not unlike AF
-feel full but hungry at the same time
-dull uterine cramps occasionally
-twinges in my left ovary occasionally
-minor constipation
-tired during the day yet cannot sleep at night
-more frequent urination but I am drinking more water
-dry dry dry nose and dry dry cm
-I officially weigh more than I ever have in my entire life…already
-soreness from the progesterone injections but less bruises!

Still don’t feel pregnant. It’s weird.
Something that did make me feel pg…yesterday I had eaten my lunch at a normal time, school had let out and I was on my way to a continuing ed class. I was so hungry at 4 in the afternoon, that I stopped by McDonalds, ate an entire hamburger, hid the evidence, then went home and eat dinner as well.
Other times, I feel as if I ate way too much food, when I haven’t eaten at all and I am about to barf.
And now I’m sitting here with my old pregnancy books from last year. Maybe reading these will make it feel more real?

I just need to stop focusing on all the things that could go wrong. That’s pretty selfish, huh? I should be excited and planning and “glowing” with happiness. But none of it seems real and I am so worried about all the obstacles that stand in our way…like, what if it is an ectopic? We won’t know that until between 5-8 weeks. What if the hCG numbers don’t rise? What if our baby is chromosomally abnormal and we have a miscarriage?
Barry is so amazing. He feels like God opened the door for all of this to happen perfectly. This was just our way of becoming parents. He feels like we have no more embryos left because we couldn’t agree on what to do with them if we had any left…so God took care of it. He feels like we had every door shut for financing our IVF except the one way we picked, which financed it perfectly. In his opinion, it all worked out exactly as it should.
And while, looking back, I can see all of those things, it is still difficult to wrap my mind around this BFP.
My second beta is tomorrow. Maybe after seeing some higher numbers, I will feel better.