The Empath & Darkness


“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” – Mary Oliver
 

I’m an empath. Through and through. It kind of sucks some days. I feel drained or weak. Hell. I am weak. I’m just human. 

When your heart and your head nearly never agree…is it possible to ever really know who you are? I hear people say that- “I know who I am”. But what the hell does that even mean? I’m 32 and I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going. 

And that whole “empath” thing? Well, some times that makes it hard to sort through the feels to find where I stand. 

My heart gives in and fails me so many times. I take risks and invest only to fail and make mistakes. I’m blinded by my heart in that moment. 

I’ve hurt people and lost myself so many times. 

I don’t know if that makes me a horrible person or not but I can say I wouldn’t change it. And I guess that’s really who I am. This ever evolving and changing person. Impulsive and feeling, scatter-brained and anxious, awkward and silly. All of the above and changing every day. 

I used to think mistakes indicated I needed to change something (some times it does) but other times I needed to mess up that badly in order to really see clearly. I needed to get that lost to find myself. So that’s me, guys. Ashley the mess 🙂 

On this journey in a new place, what I do know is that I’m grateful for fresh starts and the grace to try again. 

I can feel my season of sadness and grieving coming to an end. As an Alabama spring chips away at my heart and new connections begin to blossom. 

And I will be honest, a small part of me doesn’t want to completely let it go- still resentful for the change and the people my heart longs for (even if I chose it). But more of me is giving myself over to the experience. 

I had worried I forgot how to cry, and then my best friend showed up at my doorstep to spend a week loving on me. 

I was worried I wouldn’t have friends, but some how I keep getting invited to have coffee and play dates. 

I was worried my business wouldn’t take off, but my schedule is so full I can hardly take on more. 

I was worried for my children, but they are growing and happy and making progress. 

I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I mostly mess things up. But I’m not in search of sanctity, sacredness, purity; these things are found after this life, not in this life; but in this life I search to be completely human: to feel, to give, to take, to laugh, to get lost, to be found, to dance, to love and to lust, to be so human.

Hello, 32. Hello, spring. Hello, Alabama. I think I may be ready for you. 

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