We finally got to come home yesterday! It’s always my favorite day because it means I get to sleep in my own bed and snuggle all my childrens.
I was also excited to meet up with my doula because she had herbal bath salts for me and my placenta.
I’m a hippie. And I like it.
So we are all prepared to leave, hanging out in ignorant bliss when an all too familiar “oh by the way, this is life altering” situation occurred.
Never a dull moment around here…
The hospital pedi came in to do one final exam on Wyatt before our discharge.
As she checked him over, she mentioned a small dimple at the top of his booty and near the bottom of his spinal column. My first thought was that he had some kind of growth and I immediately rushed to his side to watch the exam being performed. I started to go over his whole body in my head- had I seen this dimple? What’s so bad about a dimple?
She pointed it out and said she had noticed it yesterday, but wasn’t sure if it was a cause for concern or not and wanted to look at it more closely today.
Thanks for mentioning it!
So, as she looks it over, she begins to explain how it’s a marker for spina bifida and that she needs to see the base of the dimple to confirm. If there is a base, it’s likely just a dimple, but if not, it could be a neural tube defect.
I started to panic.
She nonchalantly says I can either follow up with our pedi when we go home, or I can have the hospital perform the ultrasound needed to diagnose spina bifida.
Is this lady for real? Yes, order the ultrasound and stat. We can wait to be discharged so long as we will know today what to expect.
So then we had to wait. Forever.
While we waited I tried hard to stay away from google and Facebook. But I didn’t know much about spina bifida and I wanted family to be praying. So I researched and posted to FB. Which of course worried family and friends. Lol I didn’t mean for that to happen, but I’m an anxious mama who just delivered a baby two days ago and I needed some kind of reassurance…but didn’t want to cry lol does that make sense? I knew I would cry if I talked about it. I knew I would worry if I tried to get advice. So I just spent time staring at my new baby and trying to be patient as we waited on the ultrasound.
I learned a lot as we waited. I learned that normally spina bifida is detected during AFP bloodwork or even ultrasound. I learned that while there are 3 types, it varies from person to person as to how they are affected (sound familiar?). I learned that SB is a neural tube defect often unaffected by genetics and more a “random” happening in connection with folic acid. (Also sounds familiar…)
I learned that Wyatt would be fine either way.
As I waited, it also allowed time for satan to attack me. Pull me away from my support system and into doubt. I began to question why I couldn’t make my children healthy and wonder if I had done something to cause this. Our little angle baby was lost due to a NTD, our precious Eli was decided at conception to get an extra chromosome and now Wyatt may have SB. Was it me? It all felt surreal, yet too close to a theme in our life. I had to let it go, I had to end my worrying. Eli is perfect and nothing I did or didn’t do would ever change that. And as I held Wyatt in my arms, all I could see is how he looks like his daddy and needs me to be his mommy.
The nurses came to pick us up for the ultrasound. I felt ready but scared.
I watched them take picture after picture of his spine, trying to interpret the results myself. Watching for any thing that would help me understand what was going on.
By now, we have missed our discharge time of 12, and we are now looking at a very late arrival home.
We are brought back to our room where we are prepared for discharge. My phone has been going crazy and while I offered little information, please know that we appreciate all the outpours of love and prayers while we waited.
I just didn’t even want to go there. I didn’t want to talk or research anymore. I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to go home with my new family.
A few hours later the pedi called our room and two seconds later we knew that Wyatt did not have spina bifida and we would be immediately discharged. Instead, now the whole worlds knows that Wyatt has a sacral dimple on his cute little hiney.
I feel embarrassed to have even worried. But I think it’s normal when something happens that’s different than expected. Something that could affect your child’s development or health. We are ok either way- Wyatt is just a baby like any other. We’ve been through a lot with fertility issues, Eli’s Ds diagnosis, Ruby’s adoption and non-classic CAH and now our Wyatt surprise. We got this.
I told my mom that this is the reason I will not be having any more children- it’s so much work and worry! Haha for the rest of our lives. 🙂 and I’m ok with that.
So we brought Wyatt home last night. And can I just say that 3 children is a game changer? Eli was a mess and cried any time we left the room. Ruby was starving and upset and Wyatt has decided that cluster feeding from 9pm-1am is awesome!
This is going to be a fun adventure! 🙂
Anyway, Eli has been super gentle with Wyatt, even giving kisses and rubbing his fuzzy head. Ruby could care less which is what I anticipated. But it has translated into Ruby and Eli playing more together which makes my heart want to explode with happiness. My heart is full (not to mention my home!). It feels so good to have all my kiddos with me and I can’t wait to see how our family grows and changes- even through all the crazy.