Breathe. Relax. Love.

I’ve written a lot of posts since Ruby arrived but none of them do justice to how I am feeling right now. Or they make me sound crazy. Being a mom is tough stuff!
But lets be honest- having two small children only 15 months apart and under the age of two is crazy.

I’m over the moon in love. Ruby is a doll. She’s everything we expected and more. She teaches us something daily- patients, new parenting techniques, a deeper love than we though possible. But it’s not easy either. Balancing the needs of both children…both crying and needing me at the same time…feeling guilty because I can’t devote myself completely to one child. A new baby is a game changer.

The first few days were the hardest. I think that because she came to us through adoption, the bonding is so different than if I had birthed myself. Yes I feel a connection, yes we were very involved with the pregnancy, but she is still a person we have to learn all about. At 2 am sleep deprived blood curdling screaming crying feedings, I began to doubt myself and my abilities as a mom.
Ruby is so different than Eli. It’s not a DS thing. It’s just she’s a different person and I am trying to learn who she is. On hard days I found myself looking down at her and wondering if we had misinterpreted God’s purpose. Were we really supposed to take on this new adventure? Were we equipped to be her parents? Were we giving her what she needed? Did I intuitively know what Eli needed when he was a newborn? (Not at all in case you were wondering…) but doubt began to poison my experience with her.

Friends would swoon over her, “Don’t you just love the newborn stage?!” And I would smile and say I was tired. Really tired. Which makes me look like a nut for not totally gushing with them about how much I love it and how easy it is.
But inside, I was scared I was failing, more tired than I can ever remember being, and feeling a mom-guilt so strong I was sinking.

Crazy, huh?
I mean, seriously, we are beyond blessed with the two amazing healthy children we have. God made me a mama in two different and wonderful ways- both of our children are precious and heaven sent. It seems insane to me that I would even be complaining about our situation after all we have been through to have children. And really, it is.

So what snapped me out of my selfish-I’m-a-bad-mom-pity-party? Well for starters we began to settle into a routine, we started to learn who Ruby is (a baby with colic…cause that’s how we roll in this house) and instead of talking to my friends and family about how hard the early days are, I prayed about it.
At first just for strength to get through the next crying wake up call. But then for clarity and love. Quickly I began to realize how much I am like a helpless screaming newborn myself. Pouting, crying and stomping my feet because I’m entitled to something. I was saying, “I love my newborn, but I don’t like this”…wow…I’m so glad God doesn’t feel the same way about us. His love is unconditional even though I am so unworthy. It’s by His grace alone that I can be called His. It’s through His love that I am redeemed and made whole. It seems so simple, but He plainly and clearly told me that I needed to breathe, relax and love. I let my own selfishness get in the way of the joy that my family is.

It’s been 13 days since our family changed for the better. It’s been wild but it’s only 13 days! I’m giving myself some credit and stopping to enjoy this special and fleeting time. Clarity- it’s a wonderful thing 🙂

EDIT:
Some other points of stress have resolved themselves. Eli’s feeding had greatly improved. We significantly reduced the amount of liquids he is drinking which instantly improved his reflux (making all that testing unnecessary at this point). He is now eating some table foods and only refusing an occasional meal- mostly due to teething we suspect.
Meal time is now much happier and anxiety free.
Barry’s potential job offer in OKC fell through, so we won’t be moving as of right now.
We are optimistically looking ahead for what else God has in store for our family.

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10 Replies to “Breathe. Relax. Love.”

  1. Don’t underestimate how difficult it is to add a new member to your family. And, seriously, it’s been 13 days!! I definitely found going from one child to two children the hardest. My eldest was only 21 months but I expected so much of him when, really, he was just a baby. Be nice to yourself, ask for help, breathe, relax (as much as is possible 😉 and just love your babies – that’s your most important job right now xx

    1. Thank you my friend. Yeah there is that expectation since they aren’t the baby anymore…but it’s not Eli I expect much from, it’s myself. Trying to do everything I did before just isn’t the same.
      Slowly and surely we are finding our way. 🙂

  2. I didn’t realize there was a potential job opportunity in OKC. That’s where we live. Too bad, for us, that it didnt work out! I’d love to meet you guys, and Caleb is always up for meeting a new playmate!

  3. I came across your blog via Instagram. My daughter born 7/1/13 has colic, and gas problems. She screamed like a raptor everytime we changed her diaper and unless I was holding her in the exact perfect position she screamed then too. I was turning down visitors and lunch dates because let’s be honest who wants to see a screaming baby…and if she’s not screaming and by chance is sleeping then I’m not waiting that precious time chit-chatting about how cute she is! A mama needs a nap too! Not that it helps or would work for you but my very demanding princess loves white noise. I’m talking she could be in a full zombie killing scream I turn on the white noise app on my phone and boom…quiet baby. That and this incredible solution I call “black gold” it’s actual shelf name is Colic Calm but it’s worth it’s weight in gold to me. People suggested gripe water, and gas drops…none, 0, zip, nada worked. So I did some mommy blog reading and came across this little gem. It’s FDA regulated which I liked and the best part IT WORKS. I found mine at babies r us and it has kept me sane and actually able to enjoy my baby. I stead of pace the halls all hours of the night. Good luck to you and your growing family! It’s a jungle out there, but now you can at least adorne them with cute leopard print bows!

    1. Thanks for the comment! Oh my gosh literally NOTHING works!! We did try that. It just makes her poop black lol the white noise works for a bit but then nothing. This weekend while at a friends house tried a swing that goes side to side- miracle swing!!!!! So we will see if we can find one of those. Ugh!! This demanding baby needs too grow out of this phase soon lol 😉

      1. Black poop! Yep that’s the stuff! I feel your pain I really do! I found that dairy really upsets my babes stomach so I haven’t eaten any for a month and a half…well today my husband brought me lunch and while I was eating it I said “is there cheese in this?”. He of course said no…then 30 min later says I’m so sorry there was cheese in that…yep gonna be a long crying night…for both of us! Congrats on your swing! Once you find something that works it’s like the greatest gift of all! They say at 3 months the colic stops…yep I’m counting down the days!

      2. Haha you and me both!!
        Eli my oldest was like that with dairy but he seems to have outgrown it.
        The swing we just got works well too so hopefully this will give us some relief for a while. Whew!!!

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