I had this whole long post written out. An honest one about how I’m not handling being a working mom as well as I was originally willing to admitt. It’s hard. I feel like someone else is doing my job and I’m worried I ask too much of his caregivers (or that I ride them too much with all my worry). I thought I was stronger. I thought I would be a better mom for working, but I aready have a job: Eli.
Instead of talking it all out, and then accepting what I cannot change, I’ve decided to switch gears. I need to pray about it as much as I talk about it. I can’t change the fact that I have a contract I need to fulfill. An obligation to my school and my kids.
And I can’t change the fact that being a one income household (regardless of said contract) isn’t possible.
So instead I am going to pray. Pray for a door to open that will provide for our family and enable me to focus on being Eli’s mom. Pray for it to be clear what we should do or how that will be accomplished. Most importatly for peace and for God’s will. It’s been a hard couple of years for us…it’s been hard to see God’s purpose in all of our struggles, but I can’t spend any more time being unhappy. We have so much to be greatful for and this is a good life.
To help me “deal”, we’ve decided I need more time with Little E. Instead of sneaking in an early morning nap after pumping, I will use that time to nurse Eli. That way it’s not just a kiss on the head and a quick goodbye until I see him 8 hours later.
In the meantime, I will seek new opportunities (photography? doula? art lessons?) that do not take away from our evenings and weekends (I’m funny, I know). As will Barry.
That’s all we can do. And I have to be ok with that.
Bring on the change. Bring on the new opportunities. Bring on the peace. Prayers please.