Ultrasound Checkup!

26 weeks and 1 day- Dr. C ordered another ultrasound to check measurements and growth. I love ultrasounds so I always agree! Especially because I let my mind come up with weird and scary things. For example, Eli hasn’t been super active the last few days so I worry about his development. (What are you doing in there little man? Are you moving enough? Is your muscle tone good?…I’m know, I’m nuts) Also, I haven’t gained any weight in about 2 weeks, so I assume that means he hasn’t either.
Well, I was wrong! He measured a few days ahead and weighs about 2.5 lbs. So he is growing right on target! All major organs looked good and he is doing well. The tech was using a machine that is better than my OB but not as good as my MFM. We got a great look at his face! He is still facing inward and is all balled up. He looked comfy and sleepy. This was my favorite picture- his sweet little nose and lips.
I can’t wait to kiss those lips!!
He got the hiccups while we were doing the ultrasound, which was neat to see. I will often get these rhythmic pulsing feelings and I have always assumed it was the hiccups but wasn’t quite sure. It is!! hehe
The final picture is of his little pee-pee. LOL since we didn’t want to know the gender at the official anatomy scan, we never got one of these. The tech printed one out and proudly thrust it at me saying, “That’s definitely a boy…he has quite a large penis!” You know Barry was proud. HAHA

I needed this ultrasound. Yesterday was another one of my rough days. We went to a local group meeting to try to connect with more parents. This is the same group we met with last month but it is their last meeting. They are dissolving and making way for a younger group to come in. I went in hopes of meeting young children with Ds.
I’ve been working hard to be positive and I have locked myself away with my imaginings about how life will be with our son. But the devil saw an opportunity and he seized it.
He took my fears and ran. I followed.
All of a sudden I was back to day one. This isn’t what I wanted, I didn’t ask for this…I kept saying that over and over again. I saw all the things I am afraid of. Isn’t that awful? I was so afraid that I focused on all the negatives…I went home and bawled. Hysterically even. It was so bad that I caught Barry off guard. “I thought you were ok with all of this? Isn’t that what you expected?” UMM NO!! I’m ok with it because he is our son and I know him and I love him and he is mine. But I am not ok with him suffering or having any disadvantage in life.
We talked it all out and agreed on what we expect at this point.
As I have said many times before, this is my child and I love him and I want this. I do. But I am scared of what I don’t know. I am scared of not being a good mom to him and being able to give him what he needs. I don’t think those fears will ever go away. Right now it is easy to be positive because the rest of this pregnancy has been uneventful and typical. I distract myself from my fears by throwing myself into the fun pregnancy stuff. (I deserve that, dangit!!)
Yesterday was one of my bad days. One where I let my hormones and emotions get the best of me. Where I worried about things I don’t know anything about yet and let my fears get the best of me.
Today I rose from those fears to look at my son’s face and see how lucky and blessed we really are. I need more of those kinds of days and less days where I let myself get taken over my fear.
So that is where I am at today and it was a good day 🙂

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9 Replies to “Ultrasound Checkup!”

  1. ahhhhhh…..this is one of those posts where i am reminded why i was happy i didn’t find out about rachel having Ds until 4 days before she was born. i would have been just like you. all i can say is, keep moving forward. it’s good to have high expectation of your son but at the same time, when he is here, you will find that you will soon be ok with how he progresses. this is all something you don’t know “how” to do until you have a child. the first couple of months you will be all gung-ho on therapy and issues, after a year you will find that these are less of a concern, after 2 years you won’t even think about them until the therapist is at your door for a session. having a special needs child is scary until you have that child in your arms. the heart overcomes many fears.

  2. Sounds like a group that needs some new energy that is not too connected together. Why disband? Their knowledge can help you in the long run and you will find the right families & therapists to help Eli meet his potential. Any kid will go bonkers without direction or entertainment–bring some for him next time, lol. Find out any doctors & specialists or therapists to look for and more importantly avoid! Make your own decisions but start gathering intel about that and schools, activities from any parents you see at the park, mall, dog park or anywhere.

    It’s a long bumpy road but you can excel in some areas and lag in others and have phases of energy. With lots of growth inside your belly, you are getting taxed to the max too. Even high functioning kids face challenges and we all have our strengths & sensitivities. Some therapists have excellent training & high expectations but that doesn’t guaranteed results or timeframes.

    We learn new things to try and consider every day. Oral motor and drooling & runny noses might be due to swallowing issues (not readily swallowing SPIT!) I learned yesterday. Teary eyes too!

    It doesn’t mean that child isn’t a whiz at music or can’t read, ask him questions and see what response & gestures you see. Not being able to start conversations doesn’t mean he won’t join in. There are lots of ways to communicate and teach language until more speech comes. You will understand your child and will help him communicate if language is tough for him. Lots of new inventions on the horizon in these areas too.

    Hang in there and find another parent or two when you are ready.

  3. there are scary days like that, but there are going to be things you can control. You will do a good job, you are ready, and can handle this. I didn’t confirm that Luke has DS while pregnant, I just knew the chances were high and he appeared healthy (heart, etc). I was afraid I wouldn’t handle the waiting/pregnancy part and would read/discover too much negative stuff. I want you to meet Luke. He does take longer to do things, but he works hard and is sweet and adorable. And he fits into our family just right, like Eli will in yours. I do worry and freak out sometimes about the future, but it is much easier to stay focused on now when it’s keeping you busy. When he is here, you will just take care of him like you would any other little guy.

  4. Reading your stuff is… heart wrenching, I guess, in a way, because you sound exactly like I did when I was in your shoes. Those waves of “this isn’t fair, why me, this has got to be happening to someone else” suck. And they’re all the more difficult to cope with because they catch you, out of the blue, just as you feel like your feet have finally hit the floor. Because we don’t want things to be hard for our kids, and because we don’t like for them to deal with extra medical issues, those moments never fully go away. But I can tell you that they DO happen less and less frequently as time goes on. And when they DO hit, they don’t seem to stay around for long. Once you meet your little man, that extra chromosome permeates your thoughts less and less often. As he grows, and learns, and makes a personality for himself, you’ll find out that he’s just like his peers. In fact, there’s research out there now that says that kids with Ds are more like their parents (in likes, dislikes… even IQs!) than their peers with Ds (while it surprised me at the time, I’m not sure WHY- stands to reason, doesn’t it?) It doesn’t make things any easier in the meantime, though, does it?

    And you’re right- expectations are a huge component to a child’s, ANY child’s, potential. And while that doesn’t guarantee any kind of outcome, the LACK of expectations does not allow a kidlet to achieve their full potential. It’s frustrating to see families like the one you described. My selfish side gets upset because I don’t want people to think THAT’S what Ds is. That’s why some of these stereotypes are propogated. Just like in school, you only notice the kids who are naughty, right? I think that’s part of the problem with the societal perception of kids with any developmental issue- it’s just too hard to make them do a, b, and c, and they probably can’t do it anyway, so why try…

    I hope you can find some families who are more like YOU that you can connect with. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good; if they don’t, it’s just not worth it! 🙂

    Hope you’re feeling great!

    1. Thank you Aimee. 🙂 I really needed that today.
      I feel terrible that my posts can get so gloomy some times, but I just can’t think of a better way to work through everything I am feeling than to write it all out.
      Even worse, like you said, I was feeling pretty good and then out of the blue it just hit me!
      I feel like I am in limbo right now, but that I will be stronger and better on the other side of this.

      I’m with you, I have these fears and they are based on stereotypes. So when I see a walking stereotype, I freak out and start to believe my child will be that way. And as a teacher, I can say that learning 600 kids’ names is difficult, but the ones who are bad come more easily. lol It is all about perception.
      The awesome news? I keep getting back up and coming for more lol which has ultimately been a good thing. Since that post, I have connected with over 7 new Ds mommas in my area (And even in my neighborhood!). So I have a lot of “me” I need to work on, but I am trying my hardest!!

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