26 weeks and 1 day- Dr. C ordered another ultrasound to check measurements and growth. I love ultrasounds so I always agree! Especially because I let my mind come up with weird and scary things. For example, Eli hasn’t been super active the last few days so I worry about his development. (What are you doing in there little man? Are you moving enough? Is your muscle tone good?…I’m know, I’m nuts) Also, I haven’t gained any weight in about 2 weeks, so I assume that means he hasn’t either.
Well, I was wrong! He measured a few days ahead and weighs about 2.5 lbs. So he is growing right on target! All major organs looked good and he is doing well. The tech was using a machine that is better than my OB but not as good as my MFM. We got a great look at his face! He is still facing inward and is all balled up. He looked comfy and sleepy. This was my favorite picture- his sweet little nose and lips.
I can’t wait to kiss those lips!!
He got the hiccups while we were doing the ultrasound, which was neat to see. I will often get these rhythmic pulsing feelings and I have always assumed it was the hiccups but wasn’t quite sure. It is!! hehe
The final picture is of his little pee-pee. LOL since we didn’t want to know the gender at the official anatomy scan, we never got one of these. The tech printed one out and proudly thrust it at me saying, “That’s definitely a boy…he has quite a large penis!” You know Barry was proud. HAHA
I needed this ultrasound. Yesterday was another one of my rough days. We went to a local group meeting to try to connect with more parents. This is the same group we met with last month but it is their last meeting. They are dissolving and making way for a younger group to come in. I went in hopes of meeting young children with Ds.
I’ve been working hard to be positive and I have locked myself away with my imaginings about how life will be with our son. But the devil saw an opportunity and he seized it.
He took my fears and ran. I followed.
All of a sudden I was back to day one. This isn’t what I wanted, I didn’t ask for this…I kept saying that over and over again. I saw all the things I am afraid of. Isn’t that awful? I was so afraid that I focused on all the negatives…I went home and bawled. Hysterically even. It was so bad that I caught Barry off guard. “I thought you were ok with all of this? Isn’t that what you expected?” UMM NO!! I’m ok with it because he is our son and I know him and I love him and he is mine. But I am not ok with him suffering or having any disadvantage in life.
We talked it all out and agreed on what we expect at this point.
As I have said many times before, this is my child and I love him and I want this. I do. But I am scared of what I don’t know. I am scared of not being a good mom to him and being able to give him what he needs. I don’t think those fears will ever go away. Right now it is easy to be positive because the rest of this pregnancy has been uneventful and typical. I distract myself from my fears by throwing myself into the fun pregnancy stuff. (I deserve that, dangit!!)
Yesterday was one of my bad days. One where I let my hormones and emotions get the best of me. Where I worried about things I don’t know anything about yet and let my fears get the best of me.
Today I rose from those fears to look at my son’s face and see how lucky and blessed we really are. I need more of those kinds of days and less days where I let myself get taken over my fear.
So that is where I am at today and it was a good day 🙂