Speaking of our little man, we decided on his name!
It feels good to have a name for him. I’ve been “test-driving” it for a little less than a week and it just feels right. So there it is!!
Also, I’m testing out a new look for our blog. I don’t want it to look cookie-cutter but I have no idea how to really make the blog more unique. I think once Eli is here, I will have fun pictures to use that will make decorating it easier. For now, I like it.
Down to business. Needing to sort through these feelings.
The last few days I have been at home, safe in my bubble. We had friends over and we just laughed and laughed all night! I needed it! Then its been beautiful weather and bright sunny days, tickle fights with my husband, lounging in bed and talking to our son, snuggles from our dogs, shopping for cloth diapers, and reading Ds blogs/books. I’ve been safe and happy in my bubble.
And then I stepped out into the real world to spend time with my family.
The love is there. Clearly and truly. Our family loves him already. But love for this child isn’t knowledge and education about him and I feel as if some family members are either ignoring the diagnosis or scared of what it actually means. And who could blame them? I didn’t know a thing about Ds until I had to know! What I do know? That Eli, like any other child, can’t be placed in a box with limitations. No one can define what he is capable of or say what he will be like. He isn’t retarded. He isn’t “special”. His extra chromosome cannot be ignored or wished away. He’s just Eli! He’s just our child! He will have struggles like any other. Some things will come naturally, while others will take time.
Our son is perfect. I see him on the screen wiggling around, his perfect little nose, his tiny perfect hands waving at us, feel his perfect little punches. He is perfect exactly the way he is.
Sure, we could ignore the FISH results. We could pray and hope every day for the son we had envisioned. But that would be foolish because we would be that much less prepared when he got here.
Its been 10 days since we were given the official diagnosis. 3 tests all confirming Down syndrome.
I would say that considering the situation, I have not only handled it in a healthy way, but that I have worked to become as educated as possible.
And in a sense I feel lucky. Our story isn’t unique. Many women decline testing because their baby looks as perfect as ours does, only to be surprised at birth with a Ds diagnosis! We would have the same situation if the lab had not made a mistake.
So, yeah, we are doing pretty darn good, thankyouverymuch!
Its not an obsession. I’m not over-researching (unless reaching out to others and reading real life birthing stories is over the top…). I’m not throwing a pity-party. I don’t expect everyone to embrace the situation. But I am realistic. And it would be foolish to be unprepared for our son when he gets here. It would be foolish for our family to be uneducated when he gets here.
I have good and bad days. The bad days seem to carry a theme: ignorance and fear of the unknown…whether by myself or someone else.
DISCLAIMER: I am not angry or trying to call anyone out or embarrass anyone. I am trying to sort through this as best I can and decide how best to educate everyone who will be involved in my son’s life.
So what now? How do I break the cycle? I want his birth to be a celebration, not a time of sorrow or fear or pity. I want my family to greedily scoop him up and just love him. He will need all the same things any newborn will need.
*sigh* I don’t know. Like I said, I’ve been in a bubble. When I’m in my bubble, I can see my life with my son. Its everyone else that scares me because they are scared.
This week begins a slew of appointments. Tuesday is the big one- fetal echo! Please pray that Eli gets a clean bill of health and that his heart looks/works the way it should.