This entry feels scatter-brained, so I apologize in advance.
Yesterday was a bit of a rough day. I thought I would be ok and that returning to work would help me keep my mind off everything. But I had a lot of questions from students and from my co-workers.
Having to repeat over and over again that our son has DS and watch their face crumple in sorrow for us was too painful.
Listening to my kids ask me about the baby…it was so precious and innocently asked but brought tears to my eyes.
So I decided to write a letter to my school letting all my peers know what was going on. The reception was much better after that- lots of hugs and reassurance.
And truly, you know what it is? It’s not just a fear of the unknown but a fear of the future. Like, waaaaaay in the future.
Hearing the stories of others helps and hurts.
I have a DS student here and he is not very high functioning…and as soon as others knew our situation, they began to use this student as an example for what my life will be like.
Then, a fellow teacher let me know her sister has DS and is a very successful person. She went to college and functions very well on her own. I so needed to hear that after my long day yesterday.
I hear you, Lord…we don’t know what his life will be like until he gets here. I know that.
We met with a local group last night so we could meet more parents with children who have DS. Apparently the group was very active when the children were younger but now they are growing up and have a dwindling attendance. I don’t think this is the group for us, but the leader mentioned that there are people with younger kiddos she knows that we can connect with.
Anyway, the leader and her husband were in attendance along with their daughter. She is 18 now and a junior in high school. My biggest questions they couldn’t answer- will she go to college? will she drive a car? will she ever live on her own? will she be able to socialize on a higher level?
What I will say is that it was nice to meet her. She is very high functioning, very social and was happy to be there. She does well in school, she is very active in extra curricular activities and does have goals for her life (get married and have children 🙂 ). Her mother pointed out that her daughter has never been made fun of or mentioned being made fun of for DS. It’s been other normal kids stuff, like social faux pas or weight.
She also pointed out how social she is, but that she still functions on a lower level than her peers. For example, she is 18 and a lot of her closer friends are 12/13. She just has more in common with them and does well with that age group. And when those children grow out of her, she grows a little bit herself and moves on to another new friend. It was a relief to see her and talk to another family in person. But it did not take away my fears.
The leader of the group was wonderful, though. She answered all my questions and was so open to sharing her life with us. She also gave us a gift basket for baby, some information/DVD’s on DS and even gave me roses!! 🙂
I can see (to the best of my ability) my life with an infant. I can! But it’s beyond that that is out of focus.
Also…the waves of sadness and fear. I was foolishly hoping the sadness and fear would fade away sooner. I think partly due to the fact that I was safe in my house with my family around me. I can write about this much better than I can speak about it right now. I think I got comfortable with my blog and FB…again, it’s abstract. Then I had to come back to the “real world” and face it all over again.
I normally play classical music for my kids while they are working, but I have needed KSBJ this week. I keep hearing songs about showing the light inside me, being lifted up/carried by God and letting go…I know I need to hear it. And I hope I don’t get in trouble for playing “religious” music in my room, but I just need it right now. I need it to get through my day and remind myself that God does lift me up when I am weak, that He is here in my darkest times and that He has had a plan all along for me and this child.
I do believe that, but I need to hear it too.
We set up our fetal echo for next week and my awesome team has offered to split my kids up so I can leave early to get down to Houston in enough time. (This doctor doesn’t do echos except for between the hours of 3-4pm T-TH…must be nice!!)
So that will help ease my mind a bit as well.
Keep praying, my friends!!