Waiting Some More

I’m feeling less sorry for myself today and more concerned for my son at this point.
The devil has been on my back for 2 days now and I can’t shake him.
I literally go from embracing and accepting the situation to extreme fear, worry and guilt. It flips like a light switch and I can feel the sour taste of anxiety rise in my throat.

Not to mention the lingering hope that floats around, popping up to reassure me with little whispers like: “Your doctors even said they would have never done a second tri-screen…if you hadn’t done the test you wouldn’t be in this situation.”, “He doesn’t show any physical markers on ultrasound…he’s perfect and healthy.”, “The MaterniT21 test is still considered strictly a screening test by many since it is so new…it has a very low false positive rate but it could be wrong.”, or this little gem…”Keep looking up false positives for MaterniT21 and amnio, because they do exist and somehow they are comforting.”

I spent most of yesterday crying or sleeping. But when I wasn’t doing that I was searching other DS blogs for information and inspiration. Powerful stuff and all I can say right now is I am blown away by how strong these families are. I hope that if our diagnosis is DS I can be that strong. I don’t feel so strong right now.

The good news? My family is amazing and already so in love with him that he is a part of this family already.

The sucky news? Tomorrow we will know pretty definitively which is utterly terrifying. Also, I had some light spotting after work today. So that means another visit to the OB for yet another cervical exam and u/s. I’m resting right now, lots of fluids with my feet up. I feel fine and everything I’ve read said some spotting is not uncommon (and if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen to me!!)

What I have learned? That you don’t realize the expectations you place on something until someone tells you if will be different.
Also, that I need to write a book of things NOT to say to someone who is grieving. Seriously, people! lol I know that they want to say something to make it better…to disprove the science and doctors or just to make me happy, but they don’t have the words. A hug and a prayer are all I need right now 🙂

What’s next? Well, besides waiting some more, I’m now taking applications from friends for sperm and egg donors. Anyone? Anyone? Give me your sperm and your eggs?? Is that crazy? I wanna do this again!!!

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9 Replies to “Waiting Some More”

  1. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. I’m a lurker on your blog, and your writing has supported me through my infertility journey. Sending good thoughts your way.

    Sincerely,
    Sarah
    P.s. I think a book of what not to say would be a good thing! At least a blog post…

  2. Love ya, girl!

    I meant what I said about my friend and she is more than willing to answer any questions you and Barry might have. Her son, Corey, will be 21 soon and he is such an amazing guy! He’s so amazing that he loves my kids and even put Lennon to sleep. 🙂 I have faith that you and Barry will be wonderful parents no matter what the outcome will be. You have been blessed with a baby boy and I’m sure that nothing can make you feel otherwise.

    P.S. I have some clothes set aside for him and a few cloth diapers if you’d like them. I also have some newborn disposable diapers. Lennon outgrew his rock n play. If you’d like that you’re more than welcome to it! It came in handy!

    1. Thank you, I really do appreciate it. And your text too. I appreciate you not saying you are sorry. I’m not sorry, I’m just confused, processing and concerned for him. I would like to talk to her, can you send me her information?

  3. My husband came in this morning and showed me your blog. I wanted to reach through the computer and give you a big hug and tell you that you CAN do this! I know exactly the emotions you are feeling right now but it will take time to process. Remember it’s ok to have all those feelings and emotions…it’s normal!! Also, my twin sister sent my family and email about what not to say. I’ll have to find it and email it to you. I read through it and said, “yep that was said and so was that and on and on.” it gave me a little laugh. Trust me…we weren’t strong in the beginning. One thing another DS momtd me is don’t worry about the future. You will grow with your son as well. It’s SO true. Hugs!!

    1. Thank you, Alanina! You and your husband are so strong and I am glad to know you through our shared journey.
      It makes me feel better to know that some of the things I have been battling are normal. Michelle posted a Free DS Guide and it addressed a lot of the things I felt so bad for even thinking! So I guess it’s just human nature, huh?
      In the end, I am excited to meet him no matter what happens. He is ours and that is all that matters.
      Thank you for your internet hug 😉 It means a lot!

  4. You don’t have to be strong and certainly not all the time. Sounds like you have loving support so let them carry you OFTeN. Hugs and prayers. You will do this journey and thanks for sharing your personal thOughts. It helPs so man others.

    I’m gonna read more but I hope you were told in person and were given excellent respurces at that meeting such as http://www.downsyndromepreganancy.com and their downloadable brochure which was put together by parents, associations and OBs and other interested parties.

    1. Yes, I printed out the brochure and emailed it to my family members to read. It’s a big read with some serious stuff in it, but it has helped me to gather more questions for my doctor’s visit tomorrow 🙂

  5. Apparently you can test for DS in the egg but in a short time you won’t care about that diagnosis. and you might adopt another child with DS from overseas like many other families. Read ’til my head falls off blog for another infertility DS perspective. She had a child naturally without any ivf after her son with DS was born. As you say, plans change and pray. You are dong it regardless every day! Hugs and peace and love and welcome to a new path of change and love.

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