I’m feeling less sorry for myself today and more concerned for my son at this point.
The devil has been on my back for 2 days now and I can’t shake him.
I literally go from embracing and accepting the situation to extreme fear, worry and guilt. It flips like a light switch and I can feel the sour taste of anxiety rise in my throat.
Not to mention the lingering hope that floats around, popping up to reassure me with little whispers like: “Your doctors even said they would have never done a second tri-screen…if you hadn’t done the test you wouldn’t be in this situation.”, “He doesn’t show any physical markers on ultrasound…he’s perfect and healthy.”, “The MaterniT21 test is still considered strictly a screening test by many since it is so new…it has a very low false positive rate but it could be wrong.”, or this little gem…”Keep looking up false positives for MaterniT21 and amnio, because they do exist and somehow they are comforting.”
I spent most of yesterday crying or sleeping. But when I wasn’t doing that I was searching other DS blogs for information and inspiration. Powerful stuff and all I can say right now is I am blown away by how strong these families are. I hope that if our diagnosis is DS I can be that strong. I don’t feel so strong right now.
The good news? My family is amazing and already so in love with him that he is a part of this family already.
The sucky news? Tomorrow we will know pretty definitively which is utterly terrifying. Also, I had some light spotting after work today. So that means another visit to the OB for yet another cervical exam and u/s. I’m resting right now, lots of fluids with my feet up. I feel fine and everything I’ve read said some spotting is not uncommon (and if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen to me!!)
What I have learned? That you don’t realize the expectations you place on something until someone tells you if will be different.
Also, that I need to write a book of things NOT to say to someone who is grieving. Seriously, people! lol I know that they want to say something to make it better…to disprove the science and doctors or just to make me happy, but they don’t have the words. A hug and a prayer are all I need right now 🙂
What’s next? Well, besides waiting some more, I’m now taking applications from friends for sperm and egg donors. Anyone? Anyone? Give me your sperm and your eggs?? Is that crazy? I wanna do this again!!!