Feeling Irritated Today

Warning: Hormonal and crabby!!!
Not only have I been unable to keep myself from looking up every symptom for super early pregnancy but I have been crabby towards everyone.

Since finding out that my levels were looking good (without knowing the actual numbers) I have been looking up appropriate pregnancy hormone levels and symptoms. How long does Novarel stay in your system? When is the earliest a pee stick will pick up a pregnancy? Is ______ symptom normal? Did anyone else have ______ before their BFP? I’m driving myself bonkers. You would think we haven’t been doing this for a year and knew nothing. The answer is: maybe. Maybe that means your pregnant, maybe it doesn’t.
I’ve started getting this weird pinching pain in my lower back on my left side Friday night. It continued all weekend and is now just a dull occassional ache. Weird. And I had this on/off sore feeling or pulling feeling that has now turned into my uterus feeling heavy if that makes sense.
Joy. My mind’s way of driving me even more insane.

Speaking of doing this for a year…(I can barely believe it myself)…but it seems to me that people who haven’t had do go through this have no concept of what TTC for a year can do to you.

I just find that I have no tolerance for TTC ignorance anymore. For that matter, no time for any one else’s problems I deem less critical than my own. If you have been trying to get pregnant for any amount of time unsuccessfully, it is too long. Anyone going through this knows that.
Maybe I’m hormonal and bitchy and insensitive right now…
But I just can’t stop feeling sorry for myself.
I looked at some child profiles on an adoption website. No infants and 90% of the children under 6 that were on the site were special needs.
I looked at open adoption. So expensive!! But it’s a promise of a child.

So here is the issue. If we did have the money to spend for one more shot at this, should we do open adoption or sperm donor? One will get us a family and one might get us a family.
Both are out of reach. I’m dreaming, ya’ll.
But I am 100% convinced this cycle didn’t work. I’m counting the days until my last shot in the butt (damn you progesterone!).
I just had more blood work today…should know something tomorrow about how it all looked. If I am in fact pg, then my levels should have risen more.
And my symptoms keep changing. I had one majorly bloated day and my boobs have been sore for weeks. But the bloat went away, and my boobs feel sore but not as bad as before (or I have gotten used to them…)

On a positive note, I had another friend offer to be a surrogate for me. This is someone who desperately wanted a natural, home birth but instead got 3 c-sections. Despite that, she would sacrifice herself to help us. I’m simply blown away!! Oh, Lord, how I wish that were exactly what we needed.
It’s so amazing to me to find that positive support, especially in all this negativity and uncertainty. Now if only Barry’s new insurance company would magically cover IVF or some rich and generous person would donate money towards our cause.
haha more dreaming!!

Give me strength to make it until my beta results!!
I’ve resisted POAS this whole time.
AND I did find a clincial trial in my area for IVF. I’m not sure that I qualify or if ICSI/sperm donor would be something we could add to the mix. But this is option 3.


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