Talking Myself Down

Yuck. I feel yuck today.
I barely slept at all last night. Every time I rolled over I woke up. 😦 My mind was just racing with thoughts of my surgery and the IV that is in my future.
I also started spotting yesterday.
Some spotting is to be expected after an HSG or SIS. With my HSG I had barely anything. With my SIS, I had a bit more but it faded to nothing by Thursday.
Friday afternoon, late, I started spotting worse than after my HSG or SIS. Today I have a bit of cramping and the spotting seems to be fading. But that worries me too.
What if my body just isn’t a good place for an embryo??
I’m sure Dr. H will know so much more once I have the surgery on Tuesday. I know he will because he will be able to explore my whole uterus and see the cause of all of this.
I have never had any issues until November 2010.
I know the polyp could explain away the midcycle spotting I was having from Jan-Present….but it still concerns me. 😦
I’m feeling less and less confident about our decision to move forward every day that goes by. I don’t understand why…
The enemy is trying to take me down. He knows the best way. 😦

Today we are supposed to go to a pool party with friends. I almost don’t want to because I just feel like staying in my pj’s all day and resting.
Yesterday was another long day. I was on the phone for most of it again…reassuring family and friends and rehashing everything that has happened the last 2 days. The other half of that time was spent with loan officers/companies.
The price that Dr. H initially gave me has some flex because the meds vary depending on how much you need. A huge flex…like $1,000 difference. But everything else is the same.
I did discoved that both loans we have recieved (while they have high interest rates) can be negotiated with the doctor’s office and they can offer us a financing deal. That is exciting. 🙂
Anyway, the rest of my day was spent with Patsy and my niece. She has an audition today for a tv commercial. I’m excited for her and glad she is doing something out of the box. In doing this, she also wanted to change her image. So yesterday I helped her learn how to fit a bra (she has never worn one before and she is 16), learn how panties and pants should fit, help her figure out her shoe size, and style her hair and makeup. It was a lot of fun. She is no “girly-girl” and hates all that stuff, but she was open to trying a few new things. The shirt we picked out for the audition has pink in it! lol And the bras she ended up with had pink AND lace!!
She is supposed to come over before her audition so I can teach her to do her maekup one last time. I was glad to have some bonding time with her. 🙂

Ok…time to pick myself back up.
Here is what I know. The surgery will help with at least getting the polyp removed and seeing if there are any other uterine issues, thus increasing my chances for pregnancy.

We have the possibility to get financing deals through my doctor’s office, which would help a lot.

We can cover the first cycle with the loans we have been offered, Mom has committed to paying for the second cycle, and if it comes down to it, she would probably finance a 3rd cycle–the 3rd one being our max.

While all this is going on, we have decided to begin looking into foster to adopt options.

These are all positive things and I need to keep them in my mind, or I just might loose it.
Ok, I am going to go fill out this grant paperwork and try to relax myself. Maybe the pool is a better idea than I thought.

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