Worst. Day. Ever

Today was probably one of the worst days in a long time.
After going back and forth with lawyers, Aetna, Tanya and my doctor, the only real thing that got resolved was that Aetna wouldn’t hold us responsible for the previous fertility claims they had already paid.
I cried all afternoon and pouted. I didn’t know what to do. I went to the bank to see if they could give us a personal loan, or extend our credit line…anything. All they offered us was a loan on our house. Umm…no? So I called the main family members and told them the door had been shut on this and we weren’t sure what to do next. IVF, adoption, surrocacy…they are all so expensive. There is just no way.
Then I called my Aunt, who is an amazing prayer partner and told her everything. We prayed for God to open a door and asked for wisdom. When I got off the phone I didn’t feel any better.
I felt like the door had not only closed, but slammed in our face.
I know God always opens another door when he closes one…but this one just didn’t make sense. It still doesn’t.

Dr. C was confident that IUI’s would be a good answer for us, but when we spoke to his RE, Dr. H, he believed IVF was the only way we would get pregnant. Barry’s uriologist thinks we have a shot with IUI as well.
If we do 5 more IUI’s, we will be maxed out. I won’t be able to continue because the body can only handle so much fertility stimulation. The meds thin out the uterus and send your body into overdrive. So in 5 months, after 5 IUI’s and over $5,000 we would be in the same place we are today and less $5,000. Provided it doesn’t work (only 3 women on my forums have gotten pregnant from IUI’s… 😦 And 2 of them miscarried. Doesn’t look promising but doesn’t mean it will be me)
It is just so upsetting to be so close to something and then suddenly it has been taken away. This was our plan…and now we start over.
So we had to sit on it for a while. I went over to my mom’s to sulk. As I was sitting on the couch praying, Mom’s phone rang. It was Dr. H. He was calling just to say that he was here for us and very sorry for the situation. He is still confused by it himself. He told us about medicalfiancing.com and said that if we need anything to let him know.
I immediately signed up. While I was working on that, Tanya called to discuss my procedure on Tuesday. She told me her fertility story and gave me some other suggestions to get money as well (where to sign up for other loans and grants).
By the time I was done, I had gotten us enough loans/credit issued that we are able to cover IVF.
This time I cried from joy. Maybe this is the door opening again, just in another way? I don’t want my mom to pay for our IVF. I just can’t even begin to think of allowing it.
So maybe this is just our way?
She was amazing today, too. So supportive and helpful. I don’t know what I would have done without her. 🙂
But now comes another set of worries. Getting into that much debt on purpose. What if we can’t pay it off? What if we don’t even get pregnant from this cycle? I’m terrified.
If we used the money for adoption, it’s a sure thing. We WILL get a baby. But this…this has so many “what-if’s”. It is not 100% and that scares me.
I just need to trust more. Trust that Tanya and Dr. H all interceeded at the right moment. Gave us what we needed.
Not to mention Leslie, who called and made me left her cheer me up. lol I am surrounded by amazing people and while one door closed, another one has opened and I don’t hear “NO” yet.
(I just hear the sound of wind blowing through my bank account…)lol

As I am typing this, Dr. H sends me an e-mail:
Ok. You are a wonderful patient. I will make sure everything is taken care of. My patients that stay determined always get what they want.
Dr H

🙂 THAT is what I needed to hear.
My eyes are still burning and swollen from crying so much…but I am going to continue to sit here and search for scholarships and grants that may help with IVF (so far most of the deadlines have passed).
The: “Ashley Needs IVF Money Fund” is officially taking cash donations. And of course prayers. 🙂

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