Waiting

First off, I want to say Happy 4th everyone! I hope your plans with family and friends will brighten your day!!
Second, I want to thank all of you for reading and keep up with me. It’s a wild ride…and my life has BECOME TTC. I know it’s all I talk about, and I swear there is more to my life…but I appreciate you following along.

Today is a new day and I am feeling much better. I have to keep reminding myself of this: He who began a good work in you withh be faithful to complete it. (Phil 1:6) I think it’s what is keeping me sane. Anyway, yesterday I stayed in my pj’s all day and tortured myself by watching Marly and Me and then Baby Mama. Both terrible movies to watch when all you can think about is pregnancy. When I first started Marly and Me, I was angry. Jennifer’s character got pregnant so fast. Then she had a m/s and I cried and cried, re-thinking my position on the movie. Then she went on to have 3 healthy babies so easily. *sigh* So I was back to being angry. lol In the end it was a good movie and it was real life. I liked it. Next was Baby Mama. Tina Fey’s character goes through the a lot of the processes we have gone through or will go through. It was nice to see it portrayed in a movie like that. In the end everyone got what they wanted: a family. So it had a good message. Just more torture for me. lol
I didn’t go to church yesterday because I didn’t want to pretend everything was ok and get cleaned up just to go pretend and bawl my eyes out. I kind of hoped Barry would go so I could have some alone time, but we wound up talking some of this out so that was for the best. I know it hurts him to see me like this.
Later, he went to hang with one of his new friends (so happy about that because he needs a reliable good guy friend in his life) so I stayed home to watch my movies. Tiffany ended up coming over and it was a welcomed visit. She brought wine. :3
I’m so glad I have her and I wish she lived closer. Her and Cody. *sigh* I need them on direct speed dial and living in my backyard. 😉
Later on, Barry came home and I found myself instantly irritated with him. No reason in particular. Just was. 😦 But this morning I am a new woman and it is a new day. I feel better. 🙂 So thanks for sticking with me. I just needed a day!!

Today I will be stopping my progesterone to see if that brings a full force AF. Still waiting on her to end this cycle. Friday night I had some light spotting that immediately went away, then nothing. Saturday nothing until around 10pm…spotting more than Friday but then it goes away. This morning a little bit and then nothing. Hopefully getting off the progesterone will help so I can move on. Ready for the dreaded AF to hurry up and get this over with. I know she wants to come…I’m on CD30 for crying out loud!

Started thinking about all this today and we are now thinking I might have had a chemical pregnancy this month. Sucks to even think about it. But that explains the 5. No one will ever really be able to know, not even the doctors. No use in wondering but I think it is definitely a possibility.
I also have been reflecting on why I got so irritated with Barry just being around. I’m wondering if I really am resenting him. I feel so bad and I know we are going through this together, but at the same time it’s different for both of us. He has only had to hand over sperm samples whereas I have been poked and prodded and now face surgery. It’s not his fault and I know that. This situation needs to be hugged out. I’m feeling stronger today and no resentment.
I’m also wondering…with his poor sperm morphology, what are our real chances of success with IUI? Is this just a game of chance and we didn’t luck out this time, or are we just grasping at something hoping it will work? I’m wondering if moving on to IVF is a better option. I know it sounds kind of early after only one IUI cycle, but I’m just curious.
I already have this summer off and I am already facing surgery, so why not? Our chances are higher and they could do ICSI to insure a good sperm fertilizes the egg.
I dunno…maybe I’m thinking too much into this, but still. I can’t help but wonder if there is some more aggressive way to go about this. What do you guys think?

Some positive vibes from my friend Erin:
“Ok. 1. IUI success rates are only slightly better than sex so quit freaking or wondering if it will even work. 🙂 like with sex it may take several attempts. Took me SIX with normal healthy college student donor sperm. Ok? 2.. You’ve gotten pregnant before. That right there is proof of hope and that it can happen. I know how hard it is. But look at the bright side. It could be worse. You could have had more losses. You could have NO explanation as many do. You have options to fix it. IUI. IVF. donor sperm etc. I assure you, while it may feel as bad as bad can be….it truly could be a lot worse. So embrace the knowledge you have, the options you have and move forward with a plan, with a purpose and with hope, faith and positivity. It’s the only way to get through it all and not go crazy. Believe me. I could choose to just give up, wallow in my own self pity…but I can’t. I have to believe that my ONE option will work one of these times. I refuse to give up. It takes some time to train yourself to think this way. And in times of loss or disappointment you will feel sadness, grief, etc but you have to just pick yourself up by your boot straps and try again.”
She is so awesome 🙂

In other news, none TTC-related, today we will be spending the day with family. My mom invited Barry’s mom over to celebrate with us. It will be fun. We are doing drunken chicken and tons of other yummy stuff. I’m making a mexican salad that the family loves. It will be strange without fireworks this year but not too bad. Just being able to spend time with everyone will make it worth it.
I just looked at my phone and I have 42 days before I start back at work. That doesn’t seem like much and a whole month has already passed us by! I need to start really working on lesson plans for the beginning of the year and catching some continuing education hours while I have the time. July is about to get super busy…never mind the fact that I have already filled up nearly every weekend with stuff to do. lol It’s going to be fun. 😉 And hot.
That’t it for me right now! Hope everyone has a great 4th of July!!

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