I started spotting this evening. It has stopped but I know AF is coming. I feel stupid for even believing we might have been pregnant our first IUI cycle. I think I would have been ok had my doctor not said “maybe”. You look to the professional for answers and when they give you a “maybe”…well what then?
I had worked had not to build this cycle up. By 3dpiui I felt as if the procedure had not worked. I didn’t want to “feel” any symptoms or have false hope. I was ok with the BFN until she said “maybe”. Then each day I didn’t have AF, was a possible pregnancy. I started to get my hopes up. Pretty typical, I guess. I had a good cry already, and while I’m sure I will be emotional for a few days I feel fine. My heart is just sad (blame PMS).
I know without a doubt that we will have a family one day. Is this God’s test? He knows the desires of our hearts, so why? I’m definitely starting to feel some resentment building up.
The thing I’m most terrified of now is the surgery that comes next. I don’t want to say I resent Barry, but what’s next is very painful for me and I’m scared. There will be more tears shed over this than the emotional pain of now.
I’m half tempted to ask the doctor to go ahead with IVF since I will be having surgery anyway. Sad, huh?
Please please please…keep me from the physical pain associated with these next tests. Bring me peace and comfort from the emotional pain.
The silver lining? FB greeted me with many kind words from my friends. They don’t know the whole situation and sometimes I regret updating anything about our fertility status on FB, but we need their support and prayers.
Another positive: I really enjoyed the beer and cheese fest, surrounded by people who are important to me. And I got to spend some quality time with Tiffany. So that makes this a good day in my book. Now I am cuddled with Noodles in bed. My poor little eyes are burning from tears. Dogs are amazing, they know when we need snuggles. Thank you again, evryone for your support. We will make it through this with a family.