April 7, 2011

I’m so broken feeling today. Last night we went to Woods Edge for the prayer service. It was a very good service but I was holding back. If I had been truly present, I would have been a ball of tears on the floor…even letting one fall felt like an impossibility. So I was there, but I wish I could have gone away from everyone and just worshipped the way I wanted to, and cried out the way I needed to.
Instead, it all came out this morning. I feel distance from Barry. He doesn’t ask about what’s going on with my body anymore, nor does he seem to get excited or hopeful about the idea of possibily being parents.
We haven’t gone to bed together in 2 weeks, really. I go to bed so early now…I think I am just worn out.
And he has been sick, so that doesn’t help.
So I cried all the way to work today. It probably didn’t help that the songs on the radio were: Whatever You’re Doing, There Will Be A Day, Stronger, Waiting Here For You. Talk about God sending me a message. I hear you loud and clear! 
Now I wish I would have brought my make up…cause I just cried it all off.

This time was especially crushing. I waited until I was actually late, and I haven’t been late since December, which was for understandable reasons. So I thought this time I might actually have a chance.
15 days ago, when I went for a second opinion about my MTHFR, Mom said that I was just trying to get pregnant faster. Last night she cried because I wasn’t pregnant and suggested I see a specialist. Her heart is breaking just like mine… 😦
Others have suggested surrocacy or adoption. I guess the situation is as hopeless as my heart feels, if after 3 months of actively trying these are my options.

Course of Action: 
-A culling on my FB and in my personal life
-Lockdown mode: no reason to discuss this with people who have no clue what I’m going through…or really at all anymore.
-Contact the doctor to get Barry and I looked over
-Pray pray pray….
I added myself to the Million Voice of Prayer website, and I am now researching help for conception. I’ve had a good cry and now I am feeling better. I still feel at peace with all of this. I really do. I don’t feel abadoned by God, I just feel frustrated. And I’m tired of everyone’s opinion. So I need to take action, which is why I won’t be discussing what’s going on with anyone else…although I may write about it.
On to that phone call to the doctor.

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