I just need to write it all down…

The little crazy owl that is my icon is how I feel right now. lol And because the only people that I have expressed any of my crazy to are you guys and my one friend at work who is on maternity leave, I will continue to vent! I need to! lol
First of all, I realize that I have not been the most graceful person about all of this. It really hit me yesterday…I have accepted the wait part. But now I am sad to see that my heart was so selfish…so distracted from God’s purpose for my life. So I need to catch up to the plan…cause it’s in motion and I was too busy wallowing.
So back to the crazy, which I feel needs to be dumped here so I can function like a normal person for the rest of the week.
The facts are these: 
-I am officially 2 days late. My period was "late" and out of wack back in December, but the gap has slowly closed to a 30-31 day cycle since then (yay tracking)
-I had spotting 13 days ago consistent with so-called "implantation bleeding"
-I have been getting cramps that feel as if I am going to start but never do (thus resulting in obsessive bathroom breaks)
-Can you say consitpation? 
-Negative pregnancy test

I spoke to my new doctor’s office and they said to wait at least 5 more days before testing again and 2 weeks total before coming in if I don’t start my period by then.
My concern is that with the last pregnancy I had low hormone levels to begin with (didn’t have any symptoms until I was 8 weeks…which isn’t abnormal) and I don’t want that to negatively impact a possibly pregnancy….don’t even know if that is possible. On the other hand I don’t want to be that crazy woman who keeps coming in for blood work and is pathetically not pregnant every time. I’m proud of one thing…this is the longest I have waited since December. A blood test would tell for sure, but I keep hearing "wait".
So I guess I will wait. Maybe my period will come and we get to start all over. And then again, maybe it won’t and I will finally get to walk into the office with a positive result! Since my last upset, I am feeling stronger, though. I don’t think I would have even been that upset if I started my period. But random bleeding that makes me think I am starting my period in the middle of my cycle kinda freaks me out.
I finished reading Safe in the Arms of God last night and really felt at peace. I am that much more excited to reach heaven knowing that our child is there, perfect and in fellowship with God. That lit my heart up! I’m still runing on that light. It’s why I feel confident in saying that I will be ok. I’m going to keep waiting and of course keep you guys updated. 🙂

In other news, it’s hard to believe how beautiful it is outside. Our yard is so lush and happy. The roses are wonderful!! I’m pretty proud. 🙂 
I think I might eat my dinner outside. I have a lot on my mind with this…not to mention work and all the house stuff I need to take care of/I am thinking of (budget, MONEY, new carpet??!, Ikea bookshelf, new rug, stove, microwave…the list is endless). And now I’m going to go eat a whole pizza while my hubby rests all sick on the couch.


One Reply to “I just need to write it all down…”

  1. *hugs*
    You and Barry are in my thoughts and I’m always hoping for the best and a BFP (big fat positive)!
    I’m feeling slightly crazy myself. I just want to wallow and eat cupcakes all day. 😛

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