March 24, 2011…

Sorry guys…I feel terrible for my last post. And more optimistic today. Its truly a roller coasted guys and I’m sorry. I want off the ride but I know I can’t. I won’t . I don’t want to give up like I always do. Its time for some more bravery than that. Barry doesn’t want to give up either and he is a huge part of this…so no birth control. No giving up until I’ve been told I can’t have a baby. Final. So that means you guys are going to have to put up wit me until then. The future seems so far away. And I’m fighting jealous and “the grass is always greener” syndrom every day. But more so, I am fighting myself the most. Emotionally and physically. You already saw the emotional side…and I’m not sure which is worse. Both torture me daily. For example, what I thought was my period completely went away. Prior to that I had light cramping as if I were to going to start…it felt just like it I was hoping it would go away. Instead I had scant light pink discharge that went away within hours and never came back. Two days later I am having a light cramping on my left side as if I were ovulating. Its slight and doesn’t bother me. The spotting came at day 20 in my cycle and I never got traditional ovulation symptoms…but I don’t always get them. Anyway, if my cycle is still normal (it has been for 3 months now) these could actually be good signs. Then again I could be ovulating waaay late in my cycle (which SUCKS because I bled so we didn’t have sex and I was too tired last night so nothing…) and the bleeding was just an indication of how messed up it randomly became. So again, I’m on the ride. Could be positive pregnancy signs or a jacked up cycle. I’m supposed to start in 8ish so we will see. 😦 back to trying to have hope. Each time the hope becomes more and more difficult to muster. And each time I’m worried about being disappointed and creating symptoms in myself. I’m a freak, I know. *sigh* anyway, thank you for being so awesome and listening to all my crazy. This isn’t easy but I’m proud that I’ve decided to fight. I’ve got to fight myself and fight mother nature until some professional tells me otherwise.
I need to trust in God’s plan for us and stop trying to be in control. I want this but I want what God wants more.
Sending out hugs and love to all my supporters!!

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

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