May 15, 2015 Leave a comment
Summer is settling in and I’m slowly accepting it. For Texas, we have had a pretty mild start with lots of rain and overcast days. I’m not complaining.
Last night, I sat on the driveway with a cold beer in my hand while my children ran up and down the street. The breeze was helping with the humidity, the sunset was beautiful and I had the sweet scent of Gardenias wafting straight to my heart. That smell…it only comes this time of year and I’m always caught off guard when memories come flooding back, triggered by that simple little white flower.
On this same drive way, three years ago, I was painting and preparing an old armoire with the smell of Gardenias in the air. The armoire now resides in sweet Rubys room after many hot nights of refurbishing and transforming that old piece of furniture. So many hopes and dreams…I would come home every day after work to dive back into my project.
A girl. I was going to have a baby girl.
So of course the armoire needed to be the perfect shabby chic coral color with wallpapered insides. My heart swelled. What would this armoire become for her? A dress-up closet? A place to store toys and dolls? The perfect tiny linen closet? Would she want to repaint and redesign it later? Would she take it with her to college?
Because I wasn’t the one carrying her, I would spend countless hours imagining what that pregnancy was like. What her personality was. What she would look like. I tried to imagine how I would feel the first time my eyes met hers. And I filled my time up with preparing the perfect nursery because it was my only way to connect with her.
Ruby will be two in August and I still feel like I am working to learn who she is and understand her. There are so many days I feel like I’m failing her. But then the wind blows, and the sweet scent on the air pulls me out of my thoughts. I look down and I see her standing there smiling at me. Her favorite blanket tucked under her chin, she waves and says “hiiiiii” and then runs away laughing.
“She’s going to be ok” I tell myself.
And she will.
SPD has come in waves. When we make a gain in one area, SPD comes back to remind us that there is still real work to be done. Now that Eli is in school and has private therapies, I am busier than ever. We are not home as often and Ruby is forced to face things that agitate her. Thank you SPD. :) It challenges me- all the things I thought I knew about parenting and being a mama…all the things I said I would never allow my children to do become so relative when run through the “SPD” filter. My heart has grown in so many ways and I have a new respect for my mom and other moms like her. I also care a lot less about what other people think, because they don’t know my children or our situation. Grace. I’m trying to have more of it and give more of it.
I’m still learning. I think I always will be. But learning to embrace who my children are instead of who I imagined they would be has been such an introspective journey. I’m learning more about myself and enjoying these changing seasons. The Gardenia is a picky little plant- requiring just the right environment to flourish. It means “secret love” but the secret it out and I want to spend more time with this fickle flower. Oh my precious Ruby- I’m working on your environment. I want to get it right. I want to see you flourish and I want to enjoy the love the blooms as a result. I know you do too. I want to be a mom worthy of you.