{Hope}

I’m sitting here at 1am after a very busy week, pumping away with a huge grin on my face. I should be tired and cranky…we have been running around with something new and fun to do every day, I’ve managed to add even more pumpings to my day and Eli has decided to sleep less at night. I’m pooped!! But I’m grinning.
You see, it’s my routine, at 1am, to check my Facebook, stalk my favorite blogs and check my own blog. Keeps me awake while I am questioning why the heck I am up at 1am. Lol
So why I am grinning despite the fact I should be sleeping and have had a busy week? I was checking my blog like I always do when I discovered I had a visitor. Someone who just received a prenatal diagnosis of Ds for their unborn peanut.

Part of me immediately went back to that sad place when we found out. To the day where I knew without a doubt in my heart that Eli had Ds. To all my fears, my tears and my days researching on google. To when I finally reached out to the Ds community for the first time and to the peace and calm I finally gained while waiting for Eli to arrive.
That part of me only visited the past for an instant because I’m living a much better reality. Out life is infinitely better than I could have ever imagined…better than any medical diagnosis or book could prepare me for. Its life with a newborn and it’s so amazing.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that Eli does in fact have Ds. But honestly it’s just not a factor in our lives. This little guy is so loved! Every where we go, people love on him. Our families have completely fallen for Eli- ready to scoop him out of our arms when we walk in the door.
This child is a blessing and I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it.

So I’m grinning because I’m happy. Happy for this momma and her baby’s future. Happy that my blog was able to reach someone- after all, it’s exactly why I’ve shared so much. Hopeful I can reach others and show them the exciting future they have in store- banish their fears and the stereotypes.
This is a life worth keeping, hoping for and loving. I don’t have all the answers and I worry just like any other mother would. But holding my son makes all that other stuff obsolete.

If you have found my blog today because you had a “screen positive” on routine bloodwork, just received a diagnosis of down syndrome for your child, you’ve taken the MaterniT21 test or you are just searching for answers, I hope my blog can help. I’ve been honest about my fears and the process I had to go through to gain acceptance. But none of it matters anymore because Eli is here and he’s perfect. I pray you can see that and that hope can begin to grow in your heart. Hope for the exciting future in store for your family!

Due Date

Today was Eli’s estimated due date. so lucky he decided he was healthy enough for an early visit. Love our little man!!

Whew!!

Yesterday was rough! Eli decided to be a toot yesterday. It was Monday so what did I expect? Not a lot went the way I had wanted…it was my first day in almost a month that I didn’t feel “with it”. Our routine was out the window and Eli refused to sleep unless I was holding him. Little turkey!!
Barry came home and it was more of the same until he finally gave it up and passed out several hours later.

While Eli slept, we celebrated the positive stuff from the day: We discovered that he has 2 outfits that fit him perfectly that originally hung on him in the hospital. Growing boy! And I had a full day and a half where he ate all breastmilk.
Then we settled in for the night and drifted off to bed…only to be woken by his screams at 2am! He never wakes screaming and we discovered why: We forgot to turn on the humidifier and he was all congested. He couldn’t breathe and was uncomfortable. I felt so so bad!
I finally got his nose cleared and fed him but it took him an hour before he could wind down. Then I had to pump…
So sleep went out the window. No nap during the day and a difficult evening. I am now snuggled next to him in my bed while he blissfully sleeps and I pump. Story of my life. Lol
It’s times like this that I wish I weren’t pumping. I could feed him when he wakes up and enjoy some more rest.

Such is life! typical newborn antics…we operate on his schedule! Which makes me happy and tired. I love being a mom!! I dislike being tired. Lol

Speaking of being tired, we have been struggling during the day with getting him to sleep on his own. He needs to be snuggled. We started this with all the skin to skin we did in the beginning to bond and help my milk come in.
His need to be held was aggravated more by the fact that we had non-stop visitors for like 2.5 weeks, all of which wanted to hold him.

Now what I have discovered is that he sleeps instantly and easily when on my chest or in my arms but when I try to put him in his bassinet he always wakes up. So then I pick him up, rock him and try again. This will continue for about 30 minutes before he finally gives it up. Today was even worse because of Monday’s mishaps.
If I held him he slept, if not he cried. I just needed a nap lol

So you have to decide: snuggle with him and sleep or fuss with him and stay awake. Snuggling becomes the best option for me because sleeping while your baby cries is impossible…in my opinion. It makes my feet and hands tingle (like I’m about to fall from a high ledge) and my heart jumps in my throat like I’m about to have an anxiety attack! It’s awful! So we nap together sometimes.
The good thing- the bonding time paid off and I feel very connected to him. The bad thing- I worry I’m setting the precedent for all sleeping behavior. Is he too young to let him “cry it out”? Are snuggles a need at this point or is he just spoiled? Will he never be able to self-soothe and sleep on his own?
Not sure what to do at almost 4 weeks old. :/
(Side-note: He can and does sleep on his own and I am capable of letting him fuss in his bed- but I’m still concerned about this becoming a habit.)

Moving on…
Today I thought I might sneak in an early morning nap- he slept from 5-9!! But I remembered I had a speech therapist session set up with some girlfriends in my Ds group. It was so so good! All the ladies have infants ranging in age from 7mo to 4weeks we got to learn some oral therapy techniques for stretching our little ones muscles and strengthening them. It was informative and helpful. Eli is too little for it now but we will save that info for later. So many good tips! Communication is going to be one of the most important things in my opinion. Which reminds me…I need to look for a good baby sign language series- any tips?

Anyway, we had lunch together and visited. Such a good time! I’m so blessed to have such an active group that’s so nice and caring.
I never thought I would be a “mommy group” kind of mom but I enjoy their company. Makes me wish I was a SAHM and could visit like that all the time.

The rest of this week is busy. I have a friend coming to keep me company tomorrow, visiting work and Barry’s office to show off Eli and family dinner over the weekend. Should be fun!

Barry came home determined to get Eli to sleep in his bassinet. He has the magic touch- he’s sleeping away but needed his pacifier to finally pass out.
Hopefully we can recover quickly from our Monday and get our schedule back again.
Thanks for reading- Hope everyone is having a good week!!

Tummy Time

After dinner we were enjoying Eli’s new activity mat when he showed us again just how clever and strong he is by rolling over! This guy is a wiggle worm, always has been, and we were excited to get this play mat so he could work those muscles even more. He does modified tummy time on my chest and has gotten very good at holding up his head.
He’s also been working the pacifier like a champ- holding onto it for extended periods of time!
Our little boy is strong and we are proud!
Enjoy this video of him on his play mat for the first time. It’s entirely too long but we are entirely proud hehe

Sunday, Lazy Sunday

This weekend has been bliss!
We had 2 nights in a row where Eli slept for 5 hours at a time. I still had to get up to pump- sitting quietly in the dark with my machine “whooshing”, listening for Eli’s awake sounds. But when that was done, I climbed back into bed and slept. It was glorious.

And Barry! Oh, my wonderful husband has been amazing this weekend. He has been so helpful and eager to have time with our son that its made my routine easier. I’m spoiled.
I dread night time because I know it means to mock my inability to sleep. But in swoops Barry to help out.
And mealtime is normally put on hold because I almost always have to pump when it’s time to eat and then Eli wakes up…so I’m sitting on the couch, attached to my pump, with a plate of cold food, holding a bottle to Eli’s mouth. Lol it’s a site. But this weekend Barry held him at every meal so I could eat or pump. What a guy!

Even more bliss? Ok!
Even though I’m normally grumpy and tired, the mornings are simply the sweetest. Eli will make a chirp or grunt from his bassinet near our bed and I will climb out to get him. We spend the better part of the early morning hours laying in the sun dappled room snuggling until he is fully ready to wake. I love the way he smells combined with the sweet baby lotion that mingles with his scent. This is my absolute most favorite time of the day.

This weekend I even got out of the house to print some of his newborn pictures and get my hair cut. I also signed us up for the annual Buddy Walk for our area! I have already had 2 families commit to walking with us! Eli is one loved little man!
{you can join our team at: www.houstonbuddywalk.org , search for team name: “Enhanced by Eli”}
AND! Eli hasn’t had any formula today and his diaper rash is finally clearing up!
That’s a successful weekend if I ever heard of one!

Now I’m enjoying a spaghetti dinner my mom made while Eli is being passed around. Monday will bring with it all my responsibilities and all my multi-tasking but today I will quietly relish this time and rock out Monday when it comes.

Good and Bad News

Good news first:
-Eli slept in two 5 hour shifts last night woot!! Pumping doesn’t seem so bad when you aren’t sleep deprived…
-We have started cloth diapers :3
-I was able to finally get my rings on, yay for wedding rings!
-I got out of the house AND pumped on the go
-I’ve showered every day this week. Success in my book

Bad news:
I got out of the house because we had Eli’s follow up hearing screen…He originally passed his right ear at the hospital but did not pass in his left so they just wanted to follow up.
That didn’t go quite as I had hoped. It’s actually not the worst news in the world but it was discouraging. Eli failed his screen in BOTH ears.
Yeah.
Because he initially passed in his right and now he is failing the doctor believes he has fluid in his middle ear.
He ran another test that showed results typical of fluid build-up in the middle ear.
All that to say, we have to go back for another screening in 2 weeks and see the ENT. He mentioned tubes which made me uncomfortable mainly because I know it means surgery. But if it means he will hear better, not have fluid build up and have the chance to acquire language sooner then we are all for it.
It’s discouraging because I had hoped he would pass his screening with flying colors and we could close that chapter.

The positive in this is that we have caught it early and his testing is consistent with fluid build up- meaning he likely can hear just fine but it’s muffled. AND it can be fixed. AND we have witnessed him responding to sounds, which is encouraging.
{An entirely too-long video of Eli wiggling around…hehe}
Anyway, it felt very good to get out of the house today, even if it was just to sit in Houston traffic. It was empowering to be able to pump on the go. Not the easiest feat but manageable enough to attempt it again.
Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut because pre-pregnancy hair is scary and poofy and dry. lol And I will be working on getting his birth announcements put together.
Tonight it’s pizza and maybe a sip of red wine!

Dude, I’m a mom!

Today was a success so far! I showered without Eli crying, discovered I fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans, and I left the house with him to get his newborn bloodwork taken care of. felt so good!
I also tried mothers milk tea- nasty nasty!!! Tastes like black licorice. :/
AND I found Eli’s hutch on sale at the baby store so maybe we can finish his room soon.

I think I’ve figured it out- if I’m up at the crack of dawn to shower, pump and feed him the day goes so much smoother.
But that means I have to get up. Lol

Diaper rash situation is still going on. Spoke to the PA at the pediatricians office and she ordered another prescription that she swears is magic. I’m skeptical but willing to try. I’m no longer using baby wipes, but warm wash cloths instead. Letting his bottom air out and I think I own every diaper rash cream that exists. This needs to work!

The PA did say that at 3 weeks their bowels are going through changes. If he is gassy and fussy that’s normal and doesn’t always mean he has a milk allergy. His stools will vary and get more pasty and harder to pass until he learns how to poop lol
TMI!!!
In fact, the diaper rash didn’t seem to worry her or make her think he has an allergy. She said his stools were changing and that means his insides are working. Good stuff.
So I ate cheese today. Lol we will see.

As for the endo situation, I spoke to my OB’s PA and she said that breast feeding actually helps keep it at bay. So when I am ready to wean him, that’s the very best time to try getting pg again. That made me feel a bit better- not so much pressure. Barry and I still haven’t talked about it. Frankly we are pooped and it hasn’t been at the top of my list.

Also, someone told me the surgery to remove the endo isn’t so bad so that’s a plus. We will see. That’s looking too far ahead right now.
I’m just relishing the success of my day lol its the little things.

Speaking of which, I finally got around to starting Kelle Hampton’s Bloom. So far I’ve laughed and cried. it made me realize how very blessed I am. Eli’s birth was a celebration. It was full of love, excitement and family waiting for our precious son. And so far this journey has been like any other new baby story.
What was I so worried about? What was I so afraid of?
I’m the worst worry wart ever and I still have fears but they seem so typical now. They feel so average. Things I would worry about no matter Eli’s diagnosis.
It’s nice. I’m just a mom with a newborn. And that’s awesome.

Milk Allergy? Plus PP Update

First of all I need to preface this entry by saying how much I hating pumping. Like hate. I’m dealing…
I know it’s best for Eli but its getting harder as I go on. Mainly because I’m still so tired and never seem to be able to catch up on my sleep. Duh- I have a newborn. I know. But still!! If he were breast feeding I could feed him and go back to sleep. But I’m pumping so I get up double the amount of times in the middle of the night. Pump, nap, feed, nap, pump…

My sweet husband does his best to help me and he’s amazing. I feel bad because he is working so hard to help and going to work. What will I do without him?! He’s just as tired as I am.

The worst is the night time pumpings. And if Eli has caught up to me it’s difficult too- he wakes up at the same time I need to pump. I can’t feed him and pump at the same time (one day this week I had him in my arms, my pump going, a bottle in his mouth and my cold lunch in my lap. Lol).

Anyway, all of this is to say I hate it but I can do it so I will continue. Seriously, though, when does it get easier? I make about 5oz less than what he needs everyday. We are close but just not there yet. ~deep breath~

Also, I got to thinking- how does my body know to increase my supply once Eli requires more than what I’m making (still not making quite enough) and the answer was: pump more often! UGH of course it is, why did I think there was some magical other way? My lactation consultant friend said to pump for 10min every hour to increase my supply.
*pout* so now I’m pumping in between my pumpings. Except at night cause that’s just crazy. Lol

/rant

Moving on…he still has a diaper rash. I switched to desitin and we wash his booty and let it air dry. I will see how it looks at the next diaper change.
It worries me because it may point to a milk allergy. Except that milk allergy symptoms are vague.

Here are eight signs, provided by Dr. Moissidis, to help parents of infants identify a potential milk allergy.

1. Diarrhea
Diarrhea is common in babies, but if it is persistent (an average of two to four times a day for more than five to seven days) and/or if there is blood in the stool, it could signal a more serious milk allergy.

2. Vomiting
Babies often spit up bits of food, but vomiting beyond the typical mealtime regurgitation should be examined by a doctor. Reflux symptoms, such as spit-up and difficulty swallowing, can also be milk allergy symptoms.

3. Skin Rash
There are many causes for infant skin rashes like eczema. Milk allergy is one possible cause, especially if the rash occurs along with some of these other symptoms.

4. Extreme Fussiness
Every baby cries, but crying continuously and inconsolably for long periods of time is abnormal. When there is no apparent reason, this is usually called colic. Sometimes this extreme fussiness is actually caused by the gastrointestinal pain resulting from an allergy to the proteins found in milk.

5. Low or No Weight Gain
Most infants double their weight by six months and triple it by 12 months. But when babies are not getting the nutrition they need because of excessive diarrhea and vomiting, they are unable to grow like they should.

6. Gassiness
All babies have gas, but when it occurs along with several of these other symptoms, it can also signal an allergy to milk proteins.

7. Respiratory Problems
Colds are common for infants, but wheezing, struggling to breathe and developing excess mucus in the nose and throat is not. For some kids, these respiratory problems can be the baby’s reaction to the protein found in milk.

8. Failure to Thrive
Babies with milk allergy often suffer from a lack of proper nutrition characterized by dehydration, loss of appetite and lack of energy. This overall failure to thrive is often the result of the effect of the other symptoms effect on the infant’s body.

See what I mean? Eli had a change in his stools, which made me think there was something wrong but apparently that’s normal too. He does get gassy but not all the time. He spits up occasionally but I think that’s more reflux than anything else and it doesn’t happen at every feeding. His nose is sniffy but the humidifier clears it right up. He’s gaining weight. Just has a persistent diaper rash. :/

Could it be the formula? Could it be something I ate? Who knows!? Lol what I do know is there is cheese and milk in everything!!

These are the things I think about at 2am while pumping.
So again, I know it’s what’s best and I am not stopping. But dangit! I’m tired and I don’t want my son’s hiney to hurt anymore.

{I just finished my first in between pumping and made more than I thought! That’s encouraging! I can do this!!! That’s what this summer is all about!} just keep pumping…just keep pumping…

In other news:
I had my pp check up today. I’m now allowed to drive just no heavy lifting or working out until 6-8weeks.
He peeled the dermabond off my incision (not the most pleasant experience) but it looks so good! Very thin and barely there. I’m impressed.

He also checked my thyroid and recommended continuing all my vitamins. My carpel tunnel should clear up at 6-8 weeks.

Then he brought up my placenta and uterus. Awesome conversation.
Placenta came back normal. Uterus had a lot of endometriosis. Add that to the list…
I had to google it to find out what the heck it is!
He thinks it played a part in our fertility issues. It was missed because HSG doesn’t pick it up (just shows the clear pathway through the lady parts), and my surgery to remove polyps back in June 2011 was not evasive enough to discover the endometriosis because it only looked on the inside.

All that to say, we have one more obstacle to overcome the next time we want to consider another baby. Dr. C felt it important to let me know that these next few months are the most critical if we would like to consider getting pregnant on our own.
What!? I know…
Basically since he cleaned everything out, my chances are higher that we will be successful on our own. Never thought I would hear those words. If we decide to wait, I will likely require laparoscopic surgery to remove the endo before trying again.

Huge. Like huge huge. So Barry and I have a lot to consider right now.
In the meantime, I have driving freedom between 1-2 hour pumping windows. Lol

We are crazy, right?

Anyway, I guess the c-section was good on multiple levels- got to experience some labor, kept Eli from getting tangled on the cord more, discovered endometriosis. Fun stuff.

So that’s my long update. I’m still hermitting for obvious reasons- need sleep, need to pump. But I’m feeling more confident, I’m still pumping and I’m loving my time with my sweet son. We took a walk yesterday, yay sunlight! He is precious and absolutely a blast!

First Sick Night

Yesterday was Friday which was very exciting for me because it meant that Barry would be home for the weekend with us.

We also had our first outting as a family- to dinner to celebrate my beautiful sister’s completion of her Bachelors degree. It was surreal and fun- everyone fussing over Sarah and everyone excited to see Eli.
I’m so excited for my sister and what’s next for her. She’s going to do amazing things!

At dinner I went to the restroom to do my first “away” diaper change only to discover a diaper rash Eli had developed on Wednesday night was raging and angry on his hiney. also his stool was very different than its been the last 10 days. I panicked and called the pediatrician who only suggested a new diaper rash cream and said the diarrhea was aggravating the rash. Duh!!
So I switched from the prescription cream to Boudreauxs Butt Paste, which had been working fine before.
I took him home and he was passed out! He had been fussy all day long so he was tired. We washed his booty with warm water and then let his hiney hang out to dry. I wish he could fit his cloth diapers right now, because I am sure they would take care of rash!

Anyway, about an hour later he woke up screaming! Arching his back in pain. He was trying to go potty but it hurt him so bad. It was awful to watch. I changed his diaper and tried to comfort him. He was so upset that milk was coming out of his nose. I felt so terrible.

Everything I’ve read about diaper rashes and diarrhea is so vague. It could be caused by something I ate, could be normal because he is breastfed, could be a food allergy…ugh it’s so frustrating to think the food I’m making may be hurting him. And I don’t even know what to remove from my diet besides milk products!
What I do know is I’m more tired than I’ve been in 2 weeks but it seems Eli is feeling better. *sigh* more poor baby!!

In other news, we got his newborn pictures back and I need to print them. Also, we are working hard on getting Eli to sleep in his bassinet. We have had so many visitors he is getting used to being held! Spoiled little guy! Lol so I’ve actually said “no” to a few people who asked to visit recently. Also felt bad about that but we need the break and he needs to learn to sleep without being held all the time.

Hmm what else? The dogs are continuing to adjust well. Still trying to figure out this new person in the house but they are less anxious and less nosy about him.

Still pumping but I’m not going to lie- I hate it sometimes. (especially at 3am) But I am able to do it and it’s best for Eli. So I keep doing it and most of the time it doesn’t bother me. Eli continues to pretend to be interested in breast feeding. We are still working on it.

So I guess that’s it for now. Saturday I’m sure will be a lazy day because we are flat out pooped!!

Oh! Last thing!! Happy two weeks my beautiful boy!! Can’t believe it! You have turned our world upside down and brought so much love it’s unreal!! Amazing what can happen in 2 weeks.

Pediatrician

Follow up with pediatrician went very well! Doctor said the lumps on the back of his head were lymph nodes and nothing to worry over.

He also said his nose is just sniffly and to get a humidifier. His nasal spit up is likely due to reflux and nothing else.
We have a newborn screen to complete and he won’t see Eli until he is a month. And we begin vaccines at 2 months.

Love love love our pediatrician and his office- they flocked over to Eli to ooh-ahh over him. proud momma!

I enjoyed being able to get out of the house, no fussy baby and I still was able to pump around my schedule.

Now Barry and I are enjoying a movie while Eli slumbers. We officially have zero visitors tonight and it’s amazing.
What a good day!!